Survival Lasts Long Past the Last Bullet
by Velasa
Summary: Post ME3- Just because she's alive doesn't remotely mean everything is ok- healing is a complicated thing, and there's more than just the physical to come back from. FemShep/Garrus with a focus on FemShep and Wrex's friendship.
1. Back from the dead, for the second time

Survival Lasts Long Past the Last Bullet

By Velasa

* * *

Set right after the end of ME3- Shepard survives, but just because you're alive doesn't remotely mean everything is ok- healing is a complicated thing, and there's more than just the physical to come back from. Inspired by a prompt on the ME Kmeme on LJ, and currently in progress but I want to start sharing it here too. Focus on FemShep and her BFF Wrex, and FemShep/Garrus.

* * *

The first breath was fire and she was screaming.

Ashen sky an unnatural orange between shards of rubble and human corpses, and someone dead on top of her burned half to hell. That's what she was able to register before the world went black, and it was still what was there when she faded back in- she must have passed out. That was bad. Bad was different than dead though, and between the searing pain of her lungs with each desperate gulp and the cloying stench of death choking her were words- _Come back alive._ And the words were more important.

Shepard grabbed the pain in a chokehold and fought it down into a box in the back of her skull- training, fucking _training_, push it down and think. Inventory damn it! Get an inventory on yourself, something that sounded like her drill instructor screamed in the back of her head. The two voices were what she needed to slam the lid on her pain and start to asses her situation.

Burns, bad. Not as bad as the guy on top of her. Broken bones, one arm and both legs probably, definitely some of her ribs, her scalp was raw and she could taste her own blood even through the stink. She swallowed the bile in her throat, not about to have made it through the hell of Hammer to suffocate on her own vomit because she couldn't turn herself over.

Remembrance hit her like a tank, images without context where she could only piece a little together- Hammer, London burning, running for the beam, Garrus battered and reaching for her- _come back alive _had been Garrus. That triggered a sudden surge of very different pain but she grabbed it and shoved it away- no fucking time to think about that, FOCUS Shepard- something... something happened, something with the crucible- her eyes snapped up, searching desperately for hovering reapers- but she could barely see anything from her position. If she moved the body she might be able... But the moment she twisted her torso cued another rush of screaming, and the black wall of unconsciousness swallowed her again.

* * *

Everything from before was gone when she opened her eyes again.

Pristine white this time, the smell of death still there but fainter and covered up by chemicals. Images of another lab rushed into her memory with Miranda shouting at her as alarms blared- she could hear them even now as she bolted to her feet. Or tried to, and just tangled herself in a mess of wires and tubes that had been wound into her.

Panic was immediate- biting back a high pitched shriek that wanted to break from her she started tearing things out of her arms and chest, ripping the feeding tube out of her throat and breaking away from the rest as she dashed to find cover.

Her hands closed around a scalpel that had been left by her table, crouching between the bed and the wall. No way in hell she was letting those Cerberus bastards keep her again. They were going to have to fight for it.

* * *

They hadn't been 100% sure the N7 that has been dragged in two months ago was Shepard, so they'd kept it quiet, shut her off in a private room on the mostly empty top floor with minimal contact. She was the right approximate height and build but her dogtags had been melted into her armor with just the designation visible and her face was battered beyond recognition. The Geth Prime that had pulled her alive from the corpses had called her "Shepard-Commander" but you couldn't damnwell go off that to get the whole damn galaxy's hopes up and bring them screaming to your doorstep. They didn't need that kind of hassle. So the board had agreed, and she had slept peacefully in her medically induced coma.

Until she had apparently woken up and declared war on the whole goddamn building.

Three hours into the siege the staff knew little more than when it had started. The N7 patient Jacobson was increasingly believing was Shepard- who else could cause this much damage?- had taken control of the top two floors and killed four guards and two doctors between her biotics and weapons of opportunity ranging from a scalpel to a precisely hurled IV stand, the entire building was in lockdown and they were seriously considering sending in the military. The board was arguing against it- if she _was _Shepard and someone shot her they'd never hear the end of it, but they had patients and terrified staff trapped up there and the situation couldn't last much longer before it exploded. The police had already drawn a cordon around the building and there were gawkers and press lining up around the damn block trying to figure out what was going on.

Jacobson wanted the damn military in there- there were _six people _dead and several hundred hostages in the building, and despite the fact that she should have been under another month and was pumped full of drugs she was still running rampant over everything they sent at her. Jacobson was still shouting expletives at the phone when one of the nurse managers poked her head in the door to inform him of a visitor.

"Do I look like I'm taking visitors right now?" He could feel a vein popping somewhere in his forehead. It took a moment to register that the woman looked... decidedly pale, and not because of him.

"Sir, I _really_ think you should talk to him. He's... very insistent you do."

Something in her voice and the way her hands were shaking on the doorknob made him nod, and she opened the door the rest of the way and ducked out like her ass was on fire. The _why _of it all became pants-shittingly evident as nearly half a ton of krogan ducked through his door and crossed its arms at him.

* * *

This wasn't going as well as she'd hoped. The building was too high to jump from, her biotics were a frazzled mess and her coordination was awful- whatever they'd done to her had fucked her up bad. She needed to get out but the corridors of the building were a mess and difficult to navigate discreetly- Garrus had been right, fighting through hospitals was miserable. _Damn it_ Shepard don't think about him, he's safe on the Normandy and you're in a damn Cerberus hospital lab. You have a mission right now, get out of here alive and find them.

All of the exits further down were being watched and barricaded. If she just had a gun, this would be so much easier, but the four with pistols that she had taken out had been dragged away by their allies and she was left with fluttery shockwaves, charges that left her with a migraine, her fists and whatever she could get her hands on with an edge. Her hands were aching for her vindicator but it was long gone, lost when she was hit by Harbinger. She had _loved_ that fucking gun.

It was lucky she had been taken to a lackluster facility- Cerberus must have been crippled worse than she had thought when they took out their base and blew the Illusive Man to hell if a standoff was the best they could manage for her. Well she thought it had happened there anyway... the dull haze of narcotics was still clinging to her. He definitely got blown to hell, that's what mattered.

There was sound in the stairwell further down from her, Centurion or guardian by the weight of the footfalls. Blue danced over her fingertips as she readied something nasty for her new visitors behind the overturned desk. _Come into my parlor_, and so.

What rounded the last corner of the stairwell and strode into the room was armored, large and heavily armed, but not at all what she was expecting. She choked in surprise unable to- the blue light died from her skin and she just stared in naked shock until his patience ran out and he addressed the room- "If the void was worried about you before, it must be terrified now.", all vicious grin and gleaming red eyes. There was no questioning who it was no matter how crazy it felt to be seeing him now on this random hellhole.

"Wrex!" She stood awkwardly on her feet and stumbled over, heart fit to bursting with relief. "How the hell did you find me? How long have I been here, where is everyone?"

"You have a way of making yourself known Shepard." His heavy gravely voice was the most welcome thing she'd heard since she woke up, and she'd be damned if it didn't help her stand a little straighter. She was getting out of here, Wrex had never let her down. "As for the rest, you should probably ask them." he finished and inclined his head back to the stairwell.

"The crew's here?" A fire flared up in her chest and her eyes went to the stairs he had come through fully expecting Tali or Garrus to come charging up after them.

But there wasn't bright modulated laughter or the smooth flanging she wanted to hear so badly- just the faint clattering of a heavy pistol held in trembling gloves of a guard standing there inched up beyond his shield. Her aura flared to life with a shockwave but Wrex's burned a brighter blue and tosses it harmlessly aside, one inscrutable red eye settled on her.

"Shepard, these humans had you in a hospital and you woke up and did a damn good job of tearing the place to hell, that's all I know. Anything else you have to ask them. So you should probably stop shooting them."

Wary eyes stayed on the guard a few moments longer, but she brought her hands down. Something was wrong. She could feel it in the aching of her skull, but he was right, and it stabilized the unease crawling through her when he followed her down the steps to the offices below.

* * *

Everything in her that had been holding her up for the last few hours of frantic activity in an unhealed body crashed at that one word. She didn't look any different on the outside but that was the training- the adrenaline she has been living on was gone and it left her godawful tired. "Missing?" She managed to bite out, only a little of her voice wavering.

"Yes Commander. When that beam went off all of the ships fled the system- we've found wreckage of some of them, and those that hadn't gotten very far were able to limp back, but the reapers left everyone's communications in shambles and the mass relays were crippled. The Normandy's disappeared like a lot of others, but if anyone had heard from _that_ ship it would have been on the news. You've been such an inspiration since..." the older woman behind the desk waved her hand out in an attempt to incorporate... well, everything at once. "There won't be any charges pressed for the... incident earlier, you've been through enough already and we'd _all_ be dead if you hadn't. Somehow you did it, we're all... a little in awe of you"

Shepard sat heavily in her chair- the nurses had insisted on it, fussing over her like she hadn't just proven she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself with the siege she'd had them under for the last few hours. Of course the sudden dragging dizziness she was feeling begged to differ. She forced her mind back on track, though it was wavering wildly behind the stoicism of her voice. "But Anderson's dead."

"Yes. It looks like there was some kind of explosion... you were burned, yes, but the Admiral took the worst of it. You really can't remember anything that happened up there?"

The taste of bile was heavy in her throat. The body, it had been Anderson. He'd practically been her father since she joined the Alliance to get off the streets. And he'd died to protect her. She pressed a hand heavily against her face, taking a few moments to breathe and try to settle around her new reality- her crew missing, Anderson dead. But the Reapers were all dead and Wrex was standing like a bodyguard at her side, and she took some solace in that. It was enough to stuff everything down again and look up with enough composure to answer the nurse manager.

"All I remember is hitting the beam and waking up in the rubble."

The other woman looked vaguely disappointed but didn't push any further. _Civilians _Shepard thought, _always wanting the details like it's a game_. The woman was talking again- something about getting the Commander a transfer to 'a more appropriate facility' but Shepard was only listening to the heavy chuckle up over her left shoulder, reading her friend easily even without her glance up- More like they wanted her as far away as they could get her. She couldn't help a tiny smile at that.

* * *

A military escort came to pick her up in the guise of a swat team shortly after- apparently her identity was going to be protected a little longer. Shepard didn't mind, she wasn't exactly ready to face the galaxy right now. With Anderson hovering at the back of her mind and the Normandy at the front, there wasn't a lot of room inbetween for anything else. The shuttle landed amidst a number of others that sent soldiers into the building to disguise its purpose and the crew had it kited out overwhelmingly with more medical equipment than she had ever seen in a single car. So they didn't think any better of her health than the civilians did.

When the nurses tried to insist on wheeling her onto the shuttle she'd steadfastly refused, much preferring going in on her own power. Her legs were shaky and a soldier with an awestruck expression hovered at her side like she was going to pass out at any second, but it was still better than being tied to a bed again. Just the thought of waking up trapped was enough to make her skin crawl in waves.

Three medics onboard were descending to fuss over her when she heard heavy footfalls on metal and snapped her head back up- Wrex had boarded and plunked himself a few seats down in the row of seats against the wall. Her attendants looked annoyed, but she ignored them and peered over, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"What're you doing here big guy?"

"Coming along for the ride, what does it look like?"

"I'd have figured you were going home now. Hell knows how long this is going to take Wrex, apparently I'm still pretty fucked up. You've got a clan and a people to take care of, and a shitload of krogan babies to get started on."

The big krogan gave a dismissive snort to the idea, arms crossing over his chest. "_You're _clan Shepard. As for the rest, Bakara has that well in hand. There's nothing more intimidating than a pregnant krogan female." A grinned warmed his face "Twins. Still wants to name one Mordin. Might name the other after you. Owe you a lot Shepard, but even if I didn't I'd still be coming."

The chill that had been living in her chest was eased by warm relief- as much as she wanted him to get home, she needed someone here too, and if it couldn't... it was good to have her best friend sticking by her. Shepard let her eyes half closed as the engine engaged for a smooth takeoff, the thrumming sound easing her nerves. Quiet wasn't something she had ever liked, living on busy bases and ships while being shot at through her career had gotten her used to having some kind of ambient noise. It was good to have it again, made it easier to breathe even with IVs being stuck under her skin.

"Thanks" she murmured through the calm fog descending over her mind.

"Not a problem Shepard." came the rumbling reply to her right, as the meds kicked in and she drifted into peaceful unconsciousness.


	2. Hospitals

A/N- If you started reading this before this chapter was put up, go back and check the bottom of chapter one for two more segments I added on. I uploaded it right before running off to work and didn't realize I hadn't ended it at the right point until I was putting C2 up. That's all for now.

* * *

Shepard was still out when the shuttle landed at the Alliance base a few hours later. Top secrecy- the brass and those who would be responsible for her direct care were the only ones who had been told she was even alive. No word off the base until they knew her condition better.

Which was why every blasted non-essential personnel was lined up outside the building to salute the Commander of the Normandy when she was brought in. Some secrets were just too damn good to keep apparently.

A general on convalescence gladly gave up his private quarters for her and the staff settled their patient in, meticulously checking her vitals and every possible variable and fluctuation they could find. There were a few raised eyebrows but no one said anything about the krogan that parked himself on the far wall. The Commander's habit of acquiring aliens on her crew was well known, and xenophobes as a rule had become rarer since a joint alien/human effort had saved all remaining life on Earth. Anyway they were too damn busy coming up with a treatment and recovery plan to bother. The fact that this particular alien was identifiable to members of the staff as the clan chief who had fought by Shepard during the first Battle of the Citadel didn't hurt either.

They kept her under with constant surveillance for a few more days until they were satisfied it was safe to wake her. When they did it was done... cautiously, very aware of what had happened the last time. The staff in the room held their breath as she stirred.

* * *

Every time, she woke up expecting to find him on his side next to her, sleeping or just watching with that soft affection in his eyes. But he wasn't, and every morning twisted the knife a little deeper.

There had been intermittent times Garrus would slip up to her cabin after they'd totaled the Collector base- not just for sex but enjoying each other's company in a manner more private than they were willing to show the crew yet. They would sleep next to each other, her enjoying the warmth that seemed to radiate from his skin as he smoothed his talons through her hair. She would read over briefings and do her paperwork sitting on his lap in her underwear, while he would nuzzle his face in her throat and say things to make her laugh when she was griping about the smell of his morning cup of kava. They'd discuss plans of action for a Normandy finally free from Cerberus control as she sat on the bed in a towel, brushing out her hair from the shower. It was comfortable.

He'd only left her when his mother was at the end of her dying, but before they could pick him up again the Alliance had grounded her, and the reapers... After Menae he had permanently moved up to her cabin, fuck disrupting the crew. She hadn't woken up without him there since until now.

The last month had been killing her. Not knowing what was happening to her ship and her people- she knew every one of their faces and names. A number of the missing ships had been found intact, limping or destroyed thanks to the efforts of the Geth- in a galaxy of shattered infrastructure the speed-of-light communications between Geth platforms was a godsend and the only way anyone knew what was going on outside their particular systems. They told her Hackett was alive and damn proud of her, large parts of the varying fleets had survived and they were making their slow way back to their homeworlds through the less damaged but much slower secondary relays. Wherever there were Geth on a planet they could communicate and coordinate. Sending things anywhere would be time-consuming and tedious, but it was something. There just hadn't been a word on the Normandy.

Waking up in the bloody ruin of London she'd had direction, a goal- it had powered her long past the resources of her body on strength of will and pure spite against her enemies. Now the only enemy she had was herself. It wasn't a pleasant prospect.

That stunt she'd pulled back at the civilian hospital was biting her in the ass with a vengeance now. They'd been working nicely to correct everything that had gone so fuckawful wrong with her physically when she mucked it all up by running long past her limits on half mended bones and tearing muscles she barely knew she had. Those three hours could end up costing three months of her life in additional physical therapy, the doctors had informed her.

Her focus sharpened like a laser on what she _could_ still do- there was so much beyond her control it was all she had to keep herself distracted. She hated feeling useless, and without a mission or a war to fight it was hard to keep that sense from crawling up her bones. Shepard threw herself so hard into her physical therapy the staff had to shout at her to slow down or she'd just make it worse again- the doctors were just doing their jobs but the longer the reports (she was getting updates on Galactic status at the same speed the military was, one of the perks of her name) came back n_othing, nothing, nothing _the more stir crazy it made her. They couldn't understand the desperate undercurrent in her brain that insisted that if she was healthy she could charge into space on her own and find them better than the rest of the damn galaxy that was already hunting for her ship.

Wrex was the one that had to talk her down when she got too frantic and wouldn't listen to the staff, her grumpy grumbly voice of reason. He'd disappear for a few hours most days but always seemed to know when to come back, prying a datapad from her fingers before she could smash it into the frame of her hospital bed in frustration or making a dry comment to wake her up from the fog that was telling her a few hundred pushups would be a great idea right now.

And they would talk: about old times on the SR1, about the shit they'd gotten up to in their earlier lives- giving him considerably more stories to tell but she didn't mind, she'd always enjoyed his stories- about the current state of the recovery effort with bets about what species would do something stupid first. About anything but what had happened the last few months and the Normandy SR2, and one crew member in particular.

Talking about the Genophage always cheered her up no matter how black her mood was. They'd lost people in the effort- Mordin had been a friend, and she hadn't known Tarquin Victus very long but he had been a good man in over his head- but there was just something satisfying about the honor in a good death that took the edge off. Thanks in large part to their sacrifices the first generation of young krogans in centuries was just starting to be born, and the more she heard about them the more she wanted to run around with as many of the little buggers as she could. When she said so Wrex teased her that he wasn't letting her visit until she was strong enough not to embarrass him.

Somewhere in her head she was aware that he'd become the substitute for the psychologist she'd thrown bodily out the door the second day she was awake, as crazy as it sounded when she looked at the scarred up old krogan lounging in the chair across from her while he checked over his rifles. Shepard just smiled wryly at the though and settled back into her physical therapy routine, happy to be one of two old soldiers swapping war stories. Mornings still hurt but she was adapting to the rest- hell, if she didn't get better she wouldn't get to meet Urdnot Mordin and Urdnot Shepard the Younger. It was enough of a goal to hold in her hands and run for, and for everything else there was still time.

* * *

Less than a week later her borrowed omnitool blinked with a message that a glance told her had come from outside the facility. Alarms went off immediately in her head- no one else was suppose to know she was even alive, let alone the address to contact her at. It claimed to be from Kasumi and when she flicked it open it read like her former colleague, succinctly stating "Glad you're alive Shep, but the guy I got your address from spilled the beans to someone else before I could stop him and the hoards are probably descending on you as we speak. Have fun!"

Shepard swore loudly enough to startle a pair of pigeons off the ledge outside her window.

True to Kasumi's insight the first camera cars showed up an hour later. What seems like every other camera in the country and countless individuals seemed to follow as the day wore on. This being Earth it was vastly human, but she spotted Asari tendrils and Quarian suits, Salarian horns and Turian fringes, even one lone Hanar standing tall and pink above the crowd holding up an illegible sign. Blood red eyes just watched in amusement as she snapped her curtains shut and sank wide-eyed into her bed.

In the civilian hospital she would have been swamped by now, but the soldiers had drawn around her with the protective wrath of a Drell mother and there wasn't a single intrusion into the building that wasn't thrown out on its ass inside two minutes. The crowd's only interruption of her routine was the view from her window changing from English countryside to tank barricades and the seething masses of organics.

Shepard had been crouched poking up the curtain a bit and peering furtively out the window with a handheld mirror when a soldier in the doorway startled her by speaking up and she jumped two feet to bash her head on the sill. Quarian curses (some of the many things Tali had taught her included colorful expletives) spewed from her mouth as she clutched her head, which just made Wrex roared with laughter, and then the _soldier _jumped about a foot at that. The two humans stared in vague embarrassment at each other for a few seconds before Shepard came back to her feet, composing herself at ungodly speed and gesturing for him to go on.

"Commander Shepard." he saluted, "The situation with the building is fully under control and under no circumstance will you be bothered unless you wish so. To that end the brass wanted a list of individuals who should be granted access to you, 'mam."

Easy answer. "I don't have any family to speak of, so just anyone who has served on the Normandy SR-1 or SR-2. The Alliance has all of their identifying information in their databanks already."

"Including the Cerberus personnel?"

Some of the people he was talking about were lost on her ship right now, some had been killed by Cerberus on the Citadel for just trying to live better lives, some had had heavy parts in the construction of the Crucible for fuck's sake. Anger would have been an easy reaction but she pushed it down- he was just doing his job. "Anyone who was still on the ship when the Alliance grounded her was loyal to me, not Cerberus. Let them through like anyone else."

"Yes ma'am." He saluted again and ducked out.

"Well," she said after a pause, glancing back to her friend with a wry rise to her features, "So much for all my peace and quiet."

"Peace and quiet was never your style Shepard."

"True, but neither is _that." _and she gestured almost helplessly at the window and what was beyond the curtain. "I'm just a soldier, not some politician who likes being worshipped. Frankly it makes me nervous. I think some of them were starting to camp out."

"Side effect of saving the galaxy twice. The galaxy comes looking for you."

The amusement in his voice was obvious, and she kneaded her fingers into her forehead and groaned. "Well the galaxy can wait until I get a shower. Yell if we're invaded."

"Will do, Shepard."

* * *

In the end the building hadn't been breached and she had time to clean up, eat and start stretching out her joints before someone from staff came to her door to inform her a Steve Cortez was here to see her. The assent was out of her mouth before she had fully registered who it was (part of her brain still insisted he was on the SR-2) so she was a bit shocked when her shuttle pilot came through the door and embraced her. He broke it quickly and stood back at a formal respectable distance- but when she looked at his face she could see a touch of tears there. Here she was, so worried about her crew, completely forgetting that a number of them were _still planetside_- were within a few hours distance, and she hadn't bothered to try to contact any of them because of her selfishness for personal time. Shit.

"Sorry Commander, I shouldn't have been- subordinates should be more professional and you're still injured-"

"Steve I'm sorry I've been such an asshole, I should have called-"

It was all very heartfelt, but as they had started talking at the same time they couldn't make out a word of it and they had to stop and start over one at a time. Shepard sat back heavily on the bed and listened. Apparently he'd only just heard- he'd been shoulder-deep in a project fixing something for the government in London and too distracted to listen to the news until his shift had ended. If he'd known earlier, he probably would have been one of those people camped out outside.

"You're not going to break me with a hug Steve. You have a right to be upset, blowing everyone who was still here off was a godawful idea. Shit, you should be a lot more upset with me than you are, you're too damn good natured for your own good.."

"Frankly Commander, I'm just glad you're still alive after that mess with the Crucible and the Normandy disappearing.. I didn't think any of you were coming back."

Fuck, she thought she'd gotten better about this, one mention shouldn't feel like a shotgun blast in her chest. It was just three months, ships were still trickling in, the Normandy still had supplies for twice this. Time to start living up to her rank again instead of the way she had been acting- a confident smile pushed onto her face and she made her tightened posture relax. "Give us a little more credit than that. We're hard to kill."

It worked, he eased up some. Talking was more comfortable after that, and anything that made the knife twist deeper in her gut got filed away to be dealt with later. He even convinced her to turn the television on for the first time and see some of the news footage which was... surreal. Her face was staring at her from every channel: a fresh faced teenager in her first Alliance uniform, wild-eyed and splattered with yellow blood on Torfan, glowing and triumphant in the broken ruins of the Citadel with Wrex and Garrus flanking her- shit the way he'd looked at her when she rose from the wreckage- why hadn't she realized she wasn't alone what she felt back then, had she just been that bad at reading turians? It was as clear as anything on his face. The Cerberus years were a gap that ended with her new face drawn with feather light red scar tissue on her cheeks illuminated sharply by paparazzi flashbulbs at the Normandy's grounding. It ended with the few frantic images crews had managed to capture of her during the Reaper war. Her life, laid out in photographs.

Mixed in were people. Anyone they could find with a connection to her- not her squad that had left her team and were still on Earth, they were either too busy to be found, psychotically antisocial or both at the same time. Instead there were soldiers she had encouraged in London, civilians who has met her in passing, people she had saved, people who felt saved by her despite never meeting her. An asari had tears spilling down her eyes as she explained how the Commander had saved her bondmate in C-sec when Cerberus invaded the Citadel. A human runaway said she'd inspired him to join the Alliance and if he hadn't been shipped out to basic the day he had he'd have been in a city that was leveled by the reapers. Mothers clutched their children, siblings held each other, a Salarian saluted her, an aged human soldier who had been at a battle she had lead thanked her. The two humans in the hospital room watched in silence at the outpouring.

"You're going to have to talk to them sooner than later, Commander."

"I know." They were quiet for another moment. She muted the TV and sighed. "Thanks for talking to me Steve. You can come back any time."

"I'll try to, but there's work they need me for in the city- with the amount of damage everything took you wouldn't believe how much they need someone who can work on vehicles right now. Make sure to invite me if we get a reunion with the crew."

_When _her mind automatically corrected him, but her mouth was suddenly dry so she just took his offered hand to shake it and nodded. Since her krogan bodyguard had slipped out twenty minutes earlier (not a fan of television or the weeping-fest going on onscreen) she found herself alone in her room, watching the silent screen for a time. The reporter's eyes were hollowed from stress despite her best smile- she'd been through a lot. And she was someone Shepard knew to be fair.

Orange light flickered up from her omnitool as she brought up the communicator and connected to someone in staff.

"I want you to contact Emily Wong for me. Tell her that if she can follow my stipulations I'm willing to do an interview."


	3. All My Friends and,,,

Messages from the crew trickled in over the next few days. Jacob was glad to hear she was alive and recovering but Brynn and the baby needed him so he couldn't travel back to England. Zaeed sent some kind of short noncommittal "huh, you're not dead" message that made her smile- coming from him that was downright sweet. Kasumi stopped by in person a few times, completely sidestepping security to pop in her window with books and tea and a smile a mile wide, all of which she appreciated to an unholy degree. Samara was MIA but Shepard had the feeling that with the battle done she would be heading back to Asari space and her last living daughter as quickly as she could, and she wished her luck.

And Grunt... she was still smiling about Grunt's call. Communications were still so patchy that you had to have significant pull to get your hands on them when they were working- Bakara had been speaking to her husband and Shepard when bellowing on the far end of the line announced that Grunt had realized who she was talking to. He would have charged back to earth to find his Battlemaster mother if the three of them hadn't talked him down for fifteen minutes- Shepard was managing just fine with one krogan bodyguard and Wrex wanted him on the ground back on Tuchanka keeping an eye on things for him. Bakara as always provided the voice of calm reason, and headbutted him for Shep when he was being stubborn.

"She's- she's perfect for you, you know." she said, wiping little flecks of moisture left from holding in laughter from her eyes after the call ended. Wrex gave her a broad grin and started saying something, but Shepard's attention was pulled away by the sound of feet running frantically through the hall- a doctor skidding to a stop in her doorframe, breathless and rushing his words.

"Commander Shepard, she was on the list you approved but your guest is-" and it ended in a yelp as a blue blast threw the man to the ground. Wrex was on his feet between her and the door with his shotgun drawn before Shepard could ever get on her feet. Their invader was a tattooed young woman barely into her 20's with rage written onto her face- his shotgun blast shattered her shields and Jack snapped back with a shockwave but it was swallowed in the blue flame of his barrier as it roared into life around him.

In about six seconds they were going to start killing each other. Shepard knew she couldn't run in and incapacitate either of them fast enough and words weren't going to cut it so she went primitive and pulled out a trick she hadn't had to in years- bringing two fingers to her mouth and letting out a whistle just shy of deafening. Wrex's confused stare and Jack's sudden flood of cursing with her hands locked over her ears were a pretty good sign that it had worked.

"Everybody done fighting?" she growled, with an irritated bite in her tone. "Good, I don't need blood on the floor. Wrex? Jack. Jack? Wrex. I forgot you two never actually met each other."

Wrex flipped his weapon onto his back, content with her assessment that the girl wasn't here to kill her. Jack wasn't sated as easily and the lockstep anger remained in her features as she marched over and punched Shepard in the face. It snapped her head back and smarted like a bitch, but she figured she deserved it more than she had the last time so she wasn't going to complain. The next three minutes were spent getting a thorough dressing-down from her former squadmate, culminating in a heavier emotional snarl "Of all the stupid selfish bullshit- you were alive for three and a half months and you couldn't fucking _tell_ me?"

"Well I _was_ unconscious for two of them." Shepard pointedly wouldn't rub her sore cheek, her expression somewhat cowed as she sat there cross-legged on her hospital bed.

"Did I say two months? I said _three and a half_. What about the rest of that?"

"Hiding out here like a jackass just about covers it. I've kicked myself thoroughly about this already Jack. You've got a right to be pissed but don't treat me like I'm not aware of what I did."

"Not nearly hard enough" Jack sighed, swinging herself into a chair by the bed. Her black eyes snapped back up with the anger gone- the topic had been dropped. Maybe not forgiven, but dropped. Her voice was casual with a hint of joking when she spoke again. "So what's with the krogan in your quarters? Should I be warning Garrus about this?"

Shepard tried to laugh it off but the other woman's grimace and muttered 'shit' told her keeping the flash of pain off her face hadn't worked. So she just shook her head and brought her face down to rest between her knuckles with closed eyes. "Wrex is just a friend. He was on the SR-1 with us, left before you came around."

Jack was still chewing her lip in discomfort, thin brows knotted. "My turn to be the jackass then."

She managed a small smile, strained but there, to try to give Jack some reassurance for the few seconds until she could trust her voice again. "I probably deserve it."

"For being an ass Shepard, not for this kind of shit. I've done the..." she grimaced, ungodly uncomfortable with the topic. Her tone dropped a little quieter. "I knew you weren't fucking around on him. Not your style. You pulled the whole 'crushingly in love' thing hard enough to make me ill."

The woman on the bed coughed, faint embarrassment in her tone "We thought we were being discreet."

"... Seriously?"

"Yeah." Shepard looked up from her hands again as a little of the discomfort trickled back out. "I was proud of myself for it at the time, still acting official with him when all I wanted to do was pull him down by his cowl and kiss him."

"Shepard I really don't need your sexcapades in my head so don't get started on it. I got enough of a picture when I heard you two in the battery just trying to get food one night." She completed the thought with a gagging gesture. "I've screwed a lot of aliens in my life but I've never seen the appeal of turians."

"It has nothing to do with him being turian and everything to do with him being Garrus." That warm ball of fondness in her chest returned to fill the cold places as her thoughts curled back onto things she had been trying to avoid for so long. She'd missed thinking about him, the little things. "Not that he's not attractive, it just takes some getting used to. There are perks to being with a turian though... you wouldn't believe how damn warm his skin is, and the things he can do with-"

"Shepard!" two voices warned at once- Wrex was just as appalled at the topic as Jack, and at the looks on their faces she couldn't help but laugh as another layer of her stress boiled away. It was the most she'd talked about him since she realized he was missing, and it didn't hurt as much as she was worried it would when her friends were with her to take the bite off. The two women sat talking with a much lighter mood after that, a lot of it involving Jack telling stories about her kids. The broken thing that she'd met on the Purgatory had come a long way towards becoming a woman with a purpose in her life, it was good. Jack was talking so animatedly about something Rodriguez had been up to that she didn't realize someone else had come into the room until the smell of roses hit her.

Shepard looked up. Recognized the face, the demeanor, the shadowed puppydog eyes and the intent of the bouquet of two dozen roses in his arm... and groaned loudly into her hands. Oh, _fuck_.

* * *

Jack raised an eyebrow, taking in the situation at a glance- Shepard's violent discomfort, the air of smooth confidence glowing off the dark eyed human guy a few feet behind her, the way the big krogan was settled back on his wall with a grin like he was about to witness a particularly entertaining fight- and it clicked with the memory of a conversation she overheard between the Commander and Kasumi in port observation while trying to get a drink. She pointed a thumb back behind her. "This the guy from Horizon?"

Shepard nodded, still grimacing at the confused look on the new guy's face. Jack's lips rose in a dangerous grin as she hopped out of her chair, her combat boots giving a solid _thunk _as they hit the floor. There was a sharp _snap_ of her knuckles cracking as she faced him. "So you're Alenko?"

He smiled at her. "It's Kaidan. If you don't mind ma'am, I would like to speak to the Commander privately for a while." Aaw, how cute, he was trying to use his charm on her. She hated charmers. This was going to be fun.

"See, I'm not sure she wants a few minutes with you alone. Didn't she shoot you down and send you packing already?"

Kaidan straightened up, brows furrowing impressively. "I don't see how this is any of your business, miss...?"

"Ran with Shepard during the Collector shit, I'm a friend." and she was in his face immediately, hands firmly on her hips. "Didn't she tell you to get lost more than once? When a lady says 'no thanks' she means it, not 'keep following me around so I'll change my mind and jump your bones'. You really want to argue that you can take it up with Garrus when he gets back."

He stared at her in confusion, repeating without comprehension. "Garrus?"

"Yeah, you know- six feet something, chewed up face, has a thing for the color blue and big guns, thinks he's funny? Her _boyfriend?_" and she merrily suckerpunched him in the gut hard enough to knock him on his ass. "_That's _for trying to step in on the guy when he's not here to punch you himself."

The naked shock on his face would have made her laugh if she wasn't pissed- he stared at her wide-eyed for a few breaths before his eyes darted to Shepard on the bed. Shepard in return just looked worn and tired, her eyes almost sad. "Commander, I didn't know or I- I didn't mean to-"

"You never mean to, Kaidan." Shepard sighed, shaking her head. She was being way too gentle with him, jeez. "This is exactly why I didn't want you back on the Normandy. You're a good soldier and a good man but you're... oblivious. And while Garrus trusts me and respects you too much that things wouldn't have broken into a fight there would have been problems. I didn't need that on my ship."

She sat up straighter on the bed, eyebrows knitted. "I thought I cleared all of this up after Virmire but I'll say it again. I didn't save you because I was in love with you, I saved you because you were closer and the bomb was more important. I'm sorry you took it the wrong way. You're a nice guy Alenko, you're just not my type ."

"I guess my behavior on Horizon didn't help my case." he added dryly as he got back to his feet, brushing himself off.

"It might have improved my opinion of you if you had at least listened to me on Horizon, but it would never have changed my mind."

He stared off... somewhere, eyes distant, not looking at Shepard. Fuck, the conversation was getting heavy and making Jack as uncomfortable as shit. "When?"

"Noveria."

"Damn." There was a pause, she hoped it was going to just be over but he opened his damn mouth again "What happened on Noveria?"

"We were stuck at Peak 15 for... hell, it must have been days. Tali was busy digging through the computers trying to hack out information about what was going on, trying to help the scientists, trying to call out to the Normandy to tell them our situation... Garrus and I kept busy helping the Captain man the perimeter for the safe zone. His people were so exhausted that a lot of the time it was just the two of us up there, sitting and talking for hours between attacks."

Shepard had that same damn look on her face like she was a thousand miles away as she kept talking. "And when we were cornered in a lab full of rachni about to get torched with time running out and Tali screaming to us from the other side, he grabbed me and ran right at them, leapt over the lot of them and slammed into the elevator. Seconds to spare. Even when we were safe he just... held me, clutched to his chest and breathing so damn hard, like he didn't want to let go. It was... electrifying."

It seemed like she was done after that- she didn't start talking again, just smiled to herself and ran a hand through her hair. _Off in her own little world_. Kaidan turned again and broke the silence. "I hadn't meant to be insensitive before Commander. Showing up like that without asking was thoughtless of me."

"It was, but you didn't know."

Jack snorted, breaking in stiffly with her arms folded hard over her chest. "He would have if he'd bothered being around when we were chasing the Collectors. Fuck are you being nice to him for? The little shit didn't even trust you."

Shepard's eyes were silent at that, not leaving the guy. He looked away first.

"Look, if there's a way to make this up to you..."

"Find my ship. Bring my people home."

For the first time since he'd just come in, Kaidan smiled. It was tainted with that same tired look Shepard had, but it was a smile and he saluted his Commander. "I'll do what I can." He picked up his coat and his flowers, and his voice was godawful quiet as he spoke over his shoulder with a hand on the doorframe. "For what it's worth, if it couldn't be me I'm glad it's him. He's a good man."

"I know."

And with that he nodded politely to the rest of them and slipped out.


	4. Trials and Tribulations

Jack stayed a little longer but the lightness from earlier had passed. Shepard felt bone-tired weight settling into her core again and trying to explain to Jack why she hadn't just told Alenko to go fuck himself didn't help. He was frustrating, yes, and there had been a certain vicarious enjoyment in watching him get knocked on his ass in Garrus' name, but he was a friend and she tried to keep the ones she had.

Another month passed. Physically she did better every day but on the emotional level... mornings had never gotten any easier, and the longer things went without word the more anxious she was. As admirably as she channeled the nervous energy into other things she couldn't get rid of it entirely and it kept her up at night. She'd promised to come back and she did, but she was still waiting for him to keep up his end of the bargain.

Wrex's solution was to tell her it'd been too damn long since she'd shot something and gave her the assault rifle off his back to take to the shooting range. _Fuck _he had been right- she felt so much more focused and calm with the weight of a weapon in her hands. If you asked Shepard to describe herself in a word she wouldn't give her name, her species, her gender, her designation- she would say _soldier_. This brought her back to her roots, strengthened her.

Being out on the range got her around the personnel, got her out of the oppressive atmosphere her mind had built into that room and her recovery went into leaps and bounds once she started incorporating combat techniques and sparring with her fellows at the barracks. The other soldiers were nervous about fighting her initially, intimidated by her reputation and her injured status but she won a few over to give her a shot. A few other soldiers would gather around to watch and talk, always small groups less than a dozen. The camaraderie was as good for her as the activity, and on an adrenaline high from a good fight one afternoon she announced that she wanted to go into London to see the public and hell, get herself a new vindicator while she was at it.

She'd learn to regret that soon enough.

* * *

London was recovering fairly well, she thought. Ruins were still being torn down and left piles of broken steel and concrete over vast areas but it had been cleared out of the streets and there were people going about their business like they had before. Some of them had set up storefronts in less damaged buildings or quick set-up stalls. The smell of so many foods that were strange to her after a lifetime of rations and the last few months of _hospital_ rations was downright mouth-watering. The two Alliance soldiers who had insisted on tagging along to keep an eye on her were among her regular sparring partners and natives to the general area, so they'd taken it upon themselves to expose their foreign guest to decent English food.

Wrex eyed Shepard oddly as she bit into a steaming pasty, shaking his head. "I still don't see why humans waste space in food with things that aren't meat." Trying to laugh while cramming even delicious pastry in her mouth turned out to be a terrible idea and she started choking.

Both soldiers jumped and Perdue was slamming her on the back and apologizing when the merchant suddenly froze, staring at her as if he's just seen her for the first time. "Shepard?_ The _Shepard?" After she managed to swallow down her food she gave him an awkward touch of a smile and nodded. His hand went shakily to his omnitool as he attempted to transfer their credits back. "I can't charge you, it's- it's on the house."

"No, keep it- it's not even my money, it's the Alliance's and you need it a little more than they do." The awkward smile shifted into a grin. "If you want to thank me, point me to someone that sells good guns. I lost mine a while back and I need a new assault rifle."

The merchant looked up like he was about to protest but she kept the supplicating insistence up and he relented, shutting down his tool. "Further into town maybe ten minutes walk, 103 East Devonshire, around the corner and three blocks up from the memorial with the legs." His awestruck stare prickling on the neck as they walked off and she rubbed the spot on impulse.

McKinney gave her a warm grin from her right. "You've gotta expect more of that Commander. People think you're some kind of divinity, like Michael himself sent down with his flaming sword to cleanse the wicked. Seeing you're just a normal woman is pretty startling."

On her other side Perdue laughed. "Oh, you mean the way you did?"

"Exactly the way I did! Don't act like you didn't do the same until she thrashed you at CQC half a dozen times!"

Shepard walked along without adding anything, content to just listen to their banter. There were more people out here that she would have thought to see so soon. It was a good thing, really, but that prickling feeling didn't seem to be leaving the back of her neck. As they came into sight of the memorial Shepard had to stop- the shop was almost in sight, but fuck she couldn't keep going without taking a minute to be there.

Six shattered reaper legs stood leaning against each other in a sort of tower bound together with threads of rebar torn from the nearby ruins. Everywhere there had been a hole torn in the wicked black appendages during the battle was filled: flowers, spent heat sinks, photographs, rosaries, old guns, bottled of levo and dextro liquor, notes, small statuettes of various deities from a variety of species, datapads with the news declaring victory flickering over their screens, stones and pennies and incense, even a few bones that had likely come from krogan traditions. Shepard had never been religious but there was something... soothing about it all as she stood below them and looked up into it.

Until she was recognized, anyway.

In the more crowded place downtown the merchant's epiphany didn't stay an isolated incident for long, and one of her fellow mourners recognized her and very loudly announced her presence by thanking her. Which as fine, really, but then the whole of the square seemed to turn en-mass to the ragged woman in her borrowed uniform. They were on her before she knew what hit her.

* * *

Maybe an unannounced, informal 'meet the people' shopping trip was a bad idea, she had realized on the car ride over. It might cause a mild riot, it might involve fighting their way out of a mass of humanity as nonlethally as possible, or just annoying the hell out of the higher-ups at the base for not taking more security with her or telling them what she was planning. She'd thought of all of that and knew she could deal with it. What she _hadn't _anticipated was the sudden clutch in her chest when there were dozens of bodies pressing in around her- the utterly unwarranted panic that ignored all sense and screamed in the back of her head that she was trapped in that rubble again, trapped under human bodies and she couldn't get herself out and she was going to die here- it was insane and part of her knew it but she could _smell_ them again and it _wouldn't go away_ and-

She barely felt firm hands grab her from behind, the next thing she was really aware of was retching in a corner somewhere. The crowd was gone, it was just her and her very large, very overwrought friend hovering at her back. Shepard wiped her mouth with an arm and grimaced at the taste, rising a bit shakily to a stand to try to see where they were.

Grey-blue sky and what was left of the taller buildings stretched out around her- a roof somewhere, maybe a little office block tower that had escaped destruction. If she peered over the edge she could see the city below, people going about their business oblivious to her. She let out a shaky breath, touching her face. "What... what happened?"

Wrex's voice was rough as always but she could feel the concern a little stronger in it. "You were starting to freeze so I dragged you out of the fire. Never seen you freeze before, that's not like you Shepard. Mind letting me in on this?"

"I don't... know. I haven't seen me do this before either."

"So this is from after the beam."

Mutely she nodded. Stared out across the city again- the creeping feeling in her skin was gone now, brushed away by the open air. "And the two soldiers?"

"At the base of the building keeping anyone who might have been able to follow away." She could feel the weight of his eyes on her. "What now?"

"The doctor who knows what I've been through hasn't been born yet. I'm not talking to a psychologist, Kelly was bad enough."

"I know that Shepard. What I don't know is what you want to do about it yourself."

Her mouth still tasted like vomit and her head was aching, but she couldn't help but smile weakly at him. "I confront the problem like I always do- charge at it until it stops being a problem."

He snorted something about vanguards but stood firmly by her side, just like he always did.

* * *

Charging right at it was exactly what she did. She started on the base testing her limits- the soldiers were more respectful and more used to her so before the panic started she could extract herself without incident to find somewhere to breathe. But the general public couldn't be avoided and she started to go out in London again. Never long, and never like the first time- the higher-ups coordinated things to keep things more structured. They wanted to protect her from assassins, breathing room was purely a side effect.

Shepard never pushed so hard she vomited again, in large part at the stubborn insistence of the krogan that now kept at her six on all of these little outings. There was a large red eye on her at all times watching for the warning signs: the dilated pupils, the tightened posture, the sudden tension of her breathing- fuck she had _died _of suffocation over Alchera and that hadn't hit her like this. In the vacuum of space with her airline busted she had lost consciousness so fast her memories went straight from thinking _I was suppose to call him tomorrow, he'll be wondering why I didn't call _with Joker gaping in horror through the window of the pod to waking up on a table with Miranda shouting in her ear. She rarely dreamt about being spaced. It was the trapped feeling, the sight of what was pressed in all around her, the stench... that stayed with her.

It was something she did because she had to, not out of any want. She was fine with individuals and aliens but large crowds of humans pressing in on her awoke the memories. Wrex would evacuate her to an abandoned floor in some half-repaired building until she could unclasp her hands from the safety blanket of her borrowed gun and the panicked wildness left her eyes. Still she insisted on going out, the people wanted to see her. They _needed _to see her. And Shepard was nothing if not stubborn, so they kept at it.

If the doctors knew about this they would have told her to go slower, to be easier on her nerves but as the time ticked down on Shepard's mental clock of the Normandy she pushed herself to the brink of shaking exhaustion until she would collapse in a ball in her bed at night. Kept her from dreaming. When she did dream she didn't want to talk about it, instead storming off to the barracks to spar with some unlucky bastard until the comfort of adrenaline and blows shut out whatever it was that was haunting her. Another month went by like that.

A day, a week, two weeks.

And then one morning time had suddenly run out.


	5. Six Months

You didn't live as long as he had without learning how to pick up on things, and one of those was telling him that he should get back to Shepard. The old krogan disengaged the program he'd had running at the firing range and shouldered his assault rifle as he took off at an easy lope back to his old Commander's building. The staff barely even looked up anymore when he came through- in the last few months he'd gone from exotic to a common sight that could be safely ignored. Made it easier to get around, he didn't mind.

Quiet, too damn quiet. If Shepard wasn't sleeping she was fussing with something or stretching or muttering to herself over datapads. Through the door it looked the same but the offness stuck in his teeth and the feeling solidified when she didn't say anything when he came in the room. A gesture, a few words, a complaint, there was always something- but she just stood in front of the window, knuckles white where they clutched the sill. He closed the door and waited, letting her take her time to talk, and when she finally did almost two minutes of trembling breath later her voice was _bad_.

"It's been six months."

She had her head turned down hard with her chin on her chest, and the voice said _broken_. Someone else she might have tried for a charade, but he knew her too damn well. She wanted to talk, it was just taking her time to fight the words out, so he took his time walking to within a few feet, and let her continue.

"I know my ship Wrex. When we landed on Earth we had supplies for six months. It's been six months." Her hands tightened visibly on the metal of the windowsill and she didn't look up. "They'd have been able to restock if they found a settlement, but then we would have _heard _from them and if they were lucky enough to get trapped on a garden world it would only be levo or dextro. So what do I hope for Wrex, Chakwas and Joker and Liara and every human on the crew starving to death, or just losing Tali and Garrus?"

Her hands had gone to her face and she was shaking- frustration, anger, misery, fear, they all reeked the same. "I _need _him. I've never needed anyone in my life- I grew up on my own and I've always been self-sufficient but in a few months I was already curling into his orbit and... fuck, how long has it been?" A choke, her voice loosing the anger and just dropping into the last two emotions. "After hearing about Palaven I couldn't _sleep_ until I found him and then I couldn't sleep _withou_t him and I'm... I'm scared to death of it. It hasn't been that long since Noveria, I haven't felt like this about him that long and now I'm in fucking shambles."

She shook there for a few moments, shaking and as close to lost as he'd ever seen her. "They're my _people _Wrex, I'm responsible for them! How can I even be thinking about this, how can I catch myself praying for this? What kind of person does it make me if I know what I would choose if I had that power?"

Sensing she was done he took the moment to step in and shrugged. "Not worth worrying about."

"... what?" her eyes were locked on his, the human face trembling in a tempest of badly controlled emotion that looked so strange against what he used to see as the well oiled machine that made up Commander Shepard. "Not worth-"

"It would only matter if there was shit you could do about it. There isn't, so your wants here don't matter. Pull yourself together, you're like krogan raging at the Genophage, forgetting who they are and driving blindly into disaster. It almost killed us, it'll kill you.

"Until _I_ stopped it." Her voice was stiff but fragile, trying to sound like herself and failing. "I have that kind of impossible power, remember?"

He snorted at her hard enough to ruffle her hair, expression furrowed and sharpening. "It took a lot more than just you Shepard. There were a few hundred turians and salarians and a lot of bodies on the ground before the Genophage was cured."

When she got that stubborn look and started arguing with him he cuffed her. She knew he'd pulled it- if he'd wanted to he could have taken her head off her shoulders. Didn't stop it from hurting like hell.

"I'd have done the same damn thing to any unruly child, and you're acting _no different_ Shepard." The anger in his voice was something she hadn't heard since the salarians admitted to stealing the fertile females that could save his people- since running through that lab on Virmire screaming that he wanted to tear the place apart with his bare hands. It hadn't been turned so sharply on her and her alone before- or showed how deep his concern were for her. "Now are you going to stop acting like a child or am I going to have to knock some sense into you? This isn't worth dying for Shepard."

Her mouth was dry, her tongue sticking to it as she tried to talk past the faint ache growing in her head and the thickness of the emotion in the room. "Shit, Wrex, being miserable doesn't mean I want to kill myself."

"Good. Because if you tried-" A blue glow enveloped them as he dragged her away from the window, dropped her in a chair and slammed it shut. "You wouldn't get very far."

Shepard didn't protest the jostling. She sank heavily into the seat and took a moment to let her face settle in her hands, hoping to settle a lot else that was going on in her head at the same time.

"The last time I was on the Normandy, Vakarian came back and found me. He knew the risks of what you were going into, and he was smart enough to know I was going to survive it. He knew you would too, too damn stubborn to die Shepard. It was himself he wasn't as sure about." Wrex's face was deathly serious, towering over her with biotic blue still flickering around him. "So he told me to keep an eye on you. Make sure you didn't do anything stupid. I hate being in debt Shepard, I keep my promises. So if by some stupid impulse you _did _want to kill yourself you'd have to kill me first. So have fun with that."

Nothing would come out when she opened her mouth so she shut it again, her legs wobbling under her faintly when she stood. A hand grabbed his broad shoulder before she ducked in to hug him tightly, head bowed, voice a little more raw than she would have liked. "Thank you Wrex. You're my best friend, you know that?"

"Of course." He didn't return the gesture but she didn't expect him to. He just stood firmly and let her stay there, her brother, her rock. "I like you better than anyone else in my family."

She choked a little laugh into his shoulder. "You hate the rest of your family."

"Point still stands."

"Still... thanks. For sticking with me."

"You're Clan, Shepard, and my friend. Wouldn't have it any other way."


	6. Conversations

The news came a month later while she was in the barracks sparring with McKinney in the form of an Alliance officer racing in the door. Clutching his chest breathlessly and grinning with the lack of constraint you'd expect from a first day cadet, he shouted at the group that had gathered to watch the fight

"They found the Normandy!"

Only McKinney seemed to notice the roundhouse kick that connected solidly to Shepard's torso, and her apology was swallowed up in the sudden roar of shouting cheers that broke out in the room. It dropped just as quickly when Shepard raised a hand, taught as a bowstring, the blow having barely managed to sway her. "And the crew?"

"Six casualties."

"Is the Geth who reported this still here?"

"Yes Commander, it's with the board."

She was moving for the door at a lightning stalk that brokered no argument. "Take me there, now."

"Yes Commander."

The soldiers that has been in the room were running out to spread the news and cheering was breaking out concentrically through the building- even to people without personal stakes of any kind, hearing from the ship was a victory. Shepard plowed through it with a wind at her back rushing her forward, quickly outpacing her guide. It took three minutes at that speed to find the main office and she still didn't slow down, bursting through the door with her shoulder at speed.

Six humans of varying ranks looked down at her from behind the table along the wall, contrasted by one green orb. A slender silver shock trooper standing in the middle of the room fluttered its headplates faintly as it greeted her, the same gesture Legion had used when he was pleased. "Shepard-Commander."

She stood at attention, every inch the Commander. "I need a status report on the Normandy SR-2"

Apparently her ship had crash landed on a garden world with moderate structural damage- damage to the hull and one wing, long-range communications fried, navigation sent haywire. The crew had been able to do a decent amount of repairs on its own before a Geth patrol had picked up on some of their com chatter and gone in to investigate. Repairs sped exponentially after that and the Normandy was now en-route back to Earth, ETA four months.

"There was a report on casualties, what can you tell me?"

"Six Normandy crew not present at this time. Further information unavailable."

"Why?" The question came in a command bark, eyebrows furrowing.

"Normandy's Executive Officer had not provided us with this information when we were inquiring."

Shepard's calm mask slipped, but her voice stayed almost eerily even "Was the XO aware that the Normandy's CO had survived?"

"Yes."

Aaaaaaand cracked. "So what scatterbrained _shithead _of an XO do I have running my ship that they wouldn't tell me who the fuck on my crew had died?"

"It was the knowledge of your continued survival that distracted Executive Officer Vakarian from our questioning."

_Garrus._

One of the admirals in the room was eyeing her oddly (shit, was that Garvin? He'd been under Drescher during the First Contact War), she must have... She hadn't meant to say it out loud, and the way he was staring indicated the tone she must have used, but _fuck _she couldn't really bring herself to care. He was alive and he had been looking out for her people while she was gone. They'd always joked about him being her XO, but given that they'd been sleeping together and the fact that the second in command was meant to stay on the ship when the CO was away and he never left her side... _Garrus, thank your Spirits for me._

She kept herself contained long enough to thank the Geth and request that her XO give her further information on the casualties when the scouts towing the Normandy could spare the time to ask. _Tell him I love him_ fluttered in the back of her head but she knew better- while they were more than happy to transfer messages of strategic importance, geth thought personal chatter superfluous, and it would never have come out right anyway. She'd just have to tell him herself.

Herself. Her beloved Normandy was coming back, almost all of her crew was alive after seven months stranded and her... boyfriend? Bondmate? Hunting partner? None of the words seemed to cover it, her _man _was coming home to her. Shepard excused herself without leave from the line of military officials far outranking her and only waited for the door to close behind her before bolting down the hallway and bellowing at the top of her suddenly giddy lungs "WREX! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, WE'VE GOT NEWS!"

* * *

Time flew. Crawled. Flew. She was joyous and anxious as shit, as alive as she'd ever been and wanting to curl up in a ball to just bite a pillow and scream. Not knowing had been awful and knowing but waiting was better but it still had her nerves in a wreck. The sooner it was done the better.

The casualty report came through in full a week later: a girl from security had died of illness. Two soldiers had been killed by unidentified local fauna. One other soldier has foraged something that turned out to be poisonous and didn't realize he should go to Chakwas until it was already too late. Javik has left the ship en-route saying something about having how own destination after the Normandy was towed through a vast field of reaper debris- she didn't have to ask where, and silently hoped he would find the peace he was looking for on Ilos. The last name on the report was Diana Allers, but the Geth weren't exactly clear on what had become of her. It seemed as if she'd decided to stay behind on the planet on her own accord? The specifics she'd just have to get from a witness.

Plans were being made for a ceremony at the dock when the Normandy landed, and people from all across nearby space would be jamming into London for it. Shepard pushed herself daily with her crowd tolerances, because even if the public was suppose to be kept back behind a barricade and she wasn't meant to get swarmed again she wasn't going to take chances- under no circumstance was she having a damn panic attack at this thing, it was too important.

Cortez came up to see her again and they celebrated the news over a bottle of wine, which Wrex thought smelled foul and wouldn't touch, but she thought it tasted like victory. They did it again a month later, with Jack and Kasumi along for the ride this time, when word came back from Tuchanka that Bakara'd had the twins. Boy and a girl- the boy was the one named after Shepard, and she had to say she approved.

Krogan baby showers, Wrex explained, should involve a lot of fighting and war stories and booze. For the fighting the three biotics had a showoff match on the lawn that went on for about an hour and miraculously managed not to break anything important. Shepard was good and Jack was fantastic, but Wrex was a goddamn force of nature- when Jack was bitching about losing he just laughed and told her she'd stand a better chance once she'd been at it about fifty times longer. Jack provided the booze ("Call it a present for the big bastard") and they were well into it as they started trading racy, violent and embarrassing old stories back in her borrowed quarters.

Shepard got rip-roaring drunk, but still came out better than poor Jack who had tried to trade shots of ryncol against Wrex and wound up on the floor. Steve only got a little tipsy but it was enough for him to admit that he had met someone working in the garage, and stone-cold sober Kasumi squealed and pried for details as Wrex rolled his eyes. When she exhausted what Cortez had she started prodding into her old commander, but she was a bit more reluctant to give than he was.

"Aw, come on Shep, pretty please? Living vicariously through other people's happiness is all I've got here."

The sentiment may have been exaggerated but it was true- Keiji wouldn't be coming home any time soon like Garrus was, and she found herself spilling her heart out. Kasumi already knew the basics but she listened with rapt attention anyway, that mischievous little sparkle of glee in her dark eyes. Shepard was a bit surprised at how... well, _un-_surprised Steve was. She hadn't thought he left the shuttle bay enough to know and said as much.

Steve laughed. "I'm your _shuttle pilot_ ma'am, and he left with you every single time you were on a mission. Even if that wasn't enough, I _do _have mirrors for the back."

"It's not like we were making out in the Kodiak" She murmured, nursing her glass furtively. _When you were there, anyway._

"You didn't have to, your body language spoke volumes all on its own."

Shepard flushed- it was the liquor, she would swear up and down that it was the liquor if she had been pushed for an answer- then Kasumi spoke up again and the color returned to her face with a vengeance. "So Shep, since we're all connoisseurs of handsome young men here-"

"Speak for yourself" Wrex grunted. Jack continued to snore on a corner of the floor and had no comment.

"- how about the juicy details? I want the scoop on turians."

"... Seriously? Kasumi, I'm not going to sit here and describe my boyfriend's cock to you."

She pouted. "You're no fun Shep."

"I'm not nearly drunk enough to listed to this." her bodyguard grumbled as he went to pull another bottle of ryncol from Jack's bag.

"I'm lots of fun, I just have tact." Shepard shrugged, downing the rest of her glass. "I wouldn't have asked you that about Keiji."

"But if you did I would have answered you! And this is so much more _exotic._"

"He's not exotic, he's just Garrus. Hell, if you really want to know a bunch of dextro bars have been popping up in the city postwar, go get your allergy test and find a nice turian guy who'll come home with you and find out yourself."

"But it's so much fun to pester you instead."

Shepard's grin belied her word choice- "Fuck you Kasumi."

"Love you too, Shep." the little woman replied with a grin in kind.

Kasumi ended up heading out at some unholy hour of the morning and the rest of them were too hammered to go anywhere so they crashed on various pieces of furniture. Shepard knew she was going to wake up with a raging headache in a few hours, but she was ok with it right now. She was happy and comfortable and surrounded by the varying snores of her friends, and the clock in her head had an end date to look forward to now. She slept without dreaming.

* * *

One hundred days, sixty, forty, fifteen, five, one-

Shepard sat at the end of dock in her new dress uniform, the dew still clinging to the surface and soaking into the rich blue fabric. The sun was barely peeking above the horizon so the fog was still thick and white and hovering over everything more than a few feet out from her- not unlike the haze she'd been in when she woke. It was still lingering there now, fully under control but there. It would still be hours before people would be allowed anywhere near the site and she had left her driver (Cortez- he had insisted and she had happily agreed) and Wrex by the car, so besides a few dock personnel she was alone. The guys working below to make sure her crippled ship would be able to land properly knew who she was and left her be, she appreciated it. There was a stage set up some distance back but she'd be standing there for a few hours soon enough- for now she was perched on one of the docking couplings the Normandy would be returning to.

Her people, her ship. The woman who was by all intent and purposes her mother, her longsuffering pilot, her friend who's smile was so brilliant you could feel it through her helmet, and her lover. All of them, her stability. Just a few more hours. _Fuck, _just a few more hours.

The geth scout ship that had been guiding/towing the Normandy reported they would be here at 14:00 hours, and before that there would be a few thousand cameras and a few million sapients crowding the country scrambling for a glimpse of it, and her. The thought sent a shiver down her spine that had nothing to do with the chill in the air and she calmed that irrational thing in her skull by reminding it that the people who were going to physically be on the docks was heavily limited, the stage even more so: a few dignitaries and the handful of her squadmates who were planetside. Kaidan and Jacob would be matching her in Alliance blues. Zaeed had muttered something about no one getting him to 'dress up in a goddam monkey suit' and said he'd be dug into a nice pub somewhere and wave to her on the television. Kasumi had politely declined the official honors as 'bad for business' but added with a grin she'd still be there- you just wouldn't see her. Jack, however, _was _going to be with her, which was a pleasant surprise- it meant a great deal to her how far the younger woman was stepping out of her comfort zone to stand by her. She refused to dress up but agreed to wear a real shirt, which was enough of a concession as far as Shepard was concerned.

For those who had fallen, there would be representatives. Kolyat, Oriana and Sarah would be on the stage with the four of them, standing proud for their family. And in the crowd and across the galaxy would stand every Geth and Quarian for Legion, and every newborn Krogan child for Mordin.

Oh, and one other old friend was going to be up there with them too. She heard the footsteps come up behind her and her face crinkled in a smile as she turned around to face him with her hands propped on her knees.

"Morning Sparatus. You're here early."

The white tattoos and green eyes almost seemed to glow through the fog before he came close enough to be visible, stopping at a comfortable parade rest just below her perch. "I'd have been up anyway- Military habits, not something that's ever left."

She shifted carefully and hopped back down to land a few feet off on the concrete. "It seems you're the only one coming. Valern and Tevos both begged travel hardship when we called."

There was anger on his face, mandibles twisted in a way she knew meant contempt- "I doubt they would have come even if they were on this planet to begin with. They seem to think you're bad luck."

"That" she grinned, "and Valern is still pissed at me about me telling him to go fuck himself when he was trying to convince me not to cure the genophage. And Tevos is pissed because I didn't just pretend I never found that Prothean beacon hidden on Thessia."

"Yet they owe you their lives and the lives of their people." He shook his head. "Whatever that may be, Commander, know that Palaven has not forgotten you. The Primarch sends his regards and regrets, but he could not leave his duties with the same ease as an unemployed counselor. He _did_ promise to be present for the next ceremony you would be attending with Officer Vakarian, although he declined to explain the comment to me. He said you would understand it."

Shepard cringed a little as she laughed- she always managed to forget there had been other people in the room when she and Garrus were saying their last desperate goodbyes in London. It hadn't seemed real at the time... "Tell Victus that may be a while in coming... I have too much else I need to sort out first." Sparatus nodded. He may not have understood the message but he would carry it. She stretched her back out.

"Come on, you look like you could use some kava and there's got to be a levo-dextro place this close to a military base with all of the turians that have been living here in the last year."

A flash of teeth and the flare of his mandibles was a very clear 'yes'. "Excellent. It was entirely too cold out here for my liking."

"And damp, don't forget damp." Shepard thumped him cordially on the back. "Out of all the assholes on the Council, you were always my favorite. Comeon, if we invite my driver and bodyguard along they'll give us a ride."


	7. Hello Goodbye I'm not ok

A/N- I realized I had a segment written for the end of C4 that I forgot to put in the final draft, it's been edited back in now. It's not terribly long, but it talks about Alchera and I prefer the chapter with it.

* * *

_Stay calm. Stay calm. Keep calm, keep professional-_

In the middle of some speech her head shot up- two silhouettes in the sky. One geth, one a part of her that had been missing for too long.

_This is important, most of the galaxy is watching this, stay professional-_

The ground crew swarmed over the dock, shifting specially made platforms to help guide the injured Normandy into place after the geth ship disengaged.

_Anything reckless or stupid you do right now will be on record for the rest of time, keep calm-_

Minutes ticked by as the gangway was connected and the decontamination cycle went through its paces.

_This is important, be professional, you're an emissary to the damn universe not a lovesick teenager, keep calm-_

The hatch opened. He was in the first group of course, dressed in his armor- so damn tall and handsome and anxious and alive. Those piercing blue eyes sought hers out and locked on and her breath caught in her throat at the way he looked at her. She tightened the stiff parade rest fold of her arms behind her.

_Keep calm, keep professional-_

He said her name.

_Fuck everything._

She may have called back to him but she couldn't tell- all she heard was her name in his voice and the next thing she knew she was running and they were clutching each other in the middle of the runway and his forehead was pressed so hard against hers it was going to leave an impression on her skin. Shepard only ducked out of it after some moments to engage in a more human kiss. All this time later he still remembered just the right angle to tilt his head to accommodate her, brushing his tongue over her mouth with the soft affection his cartilaginous one didn't allow.

Part of her wanted to deepen it but it lost out to the need for softer reassurance. When Garrus finally pulled back from her lips he touched their foreheads together again, lighter this time. Turians didn't have tear ducts but the shaking keening coming from his chest as he whispered across the inches between them spoke to the sentiment on its own. "Spirits, Shepard."

Too much- her knees buckled and he lowered them down to kneel on the concrete together, her arms around his chest and her face pressed into his neck as a silent sob of relief shook through her body. He was quiet, just breathing in her scent and smoothing a hand (his actual hands- he hadn't been wearing his gauntlets, the need to touch her was too strong) through the back of her hair.

Tali interrupted the private moment of revelry shortly after by flinging her arms around them both, weeping as openly as a quarian could. Shepard turned her face from Garrus' shoulder to futilely try to wipe her friend's fogged mask from the outside and for the first time became aware of the crew around them. Chakwas, Vega, Joker and Adams were standing in a kind of barrier between her and Garrus and the crowd. She caught Chakwas looking back over her shoulder with a smile and a nod. "It's good to see you Commander."

Then a bright flash of blue in a stained white coat rushed past, tossing a grin to Shepard before flinging herself at a drell coming out of the crowd, peppering Feron's face with kisses. Reunions like that were happening everywhere up by the stage. The families of the missing had followed her lead in crashing the ceremony prematurely to get to their fathers and mothers, lovers and children. Soldiers on the barricade were keeping general observers and the press out, but Shepard could still hear the wild flashing of cameras and she was vaguely aware a lot of them had been on her and Garrus throughout their reunion, and she made a mental note to skip tomorrow.

Any further than that she didn't think about- her ship was home, her people were safe, and there was that familiar turian warmth pressed comfortably into her side again. Time to get back on her feet and greet the rest of her crew. If eight mismatched fingers happened to stay locked tightly together while she did, then so be it. There was no secret left to keep, and he didn't seem any more inclined to let go than she was.

* * *

The crew reunion on the dock itself couldn't have been more than an hour, although if she was being honest with herself time was almost impossible to keep track of at that point. Afterwards everyone who had been on-board was escorted into a facility on the attached base where they could finally get a change of clothes and use proper shower facilities and eat decent food- there was going to be a banquet shortly in the evening but they were still provided the option now- and so.

Quite a few of the crew declined, too anxious to leave with their families or start the long journey back to their home colonies. Joker had tried to stay behind with the ship with comments about his baby needing him, but EDI assured him she would keep a watchful eye on the repairs. Liara ducked out of the festivities entirely, begging apology but she had urgent business to attend to- and while it was true that the Broker network had been all but blacked out until the Geth tech gave her limited access back, she didn't fail to notice her friend dragging a blushing Feron with her. And then there was Wrex.

The old krogan was waiting for them when they got back to the car, standing a few feet off with a bag over his shoulder and a calm expression on his craggy face. Lips raised in a smile, he chuckled when he saw them attached at the hip. "Looks like you don't need me around any more. Works out, I've got a ship to catch. Bakara's probably ready for some help running things and I need to meet my kids."

There was a massive arm thrusted out for her but Shepard ignored it, prying herself fully out of her lover's side to embrace her friend with the enthusiasm befitting his species. "I'm gonna miss you, you big bastard."

She could feel the grumble of his laughter vibrate in his chest "You'll do fine. Feel free to come by any time."

"You can bet your life on it I will. I mean to see my niece and nephew before they're taller than I am."

"Hurry up then Shepard. Urdnots grow fast, and there's not much of you to outgrow." She yelped when he mussed the top of her head with a gloved hand and left her short hair sticking up at horrible angles. Shepard made a show of looking annoyed as she raked it back down roughly with her fingers, but they both knew better and their toothy grins matched each other. It was a hell of a thought, finally having a family after growing up on her own. Garrus spoke up behind her, his flanging struggling with itself.

"Wrex, I can't... I can't thank you enough for this, staying all this time- if there's any way I can-"

"You're babbling Vakarian." Wrex took a moment to be amused at the embarrassed high set of Garrus' mandibles before going serious. "Even before you sobered up after the SR-1 you were still the one decent turian I had ever known. You want to know what you owe me-" Shepard found herself carefully dislodged from Wrex and turned back to her lover, who took her once more gently into his arms- "Take care of her. And know that if you break her heart again I'll kill you."

It wasn't said as a threat, just stated as a fact, and Garrus tightened his grip on the woman he loved as he nodded. Content with that Wrex adjusted his pack and ambled off towards the spaceport, waving once to them over his shoulder without looking back.

* * *

The ride back to the facilities was quiet after that. Granted it was barely a few minutes long, but quiet all the same. Shepard spent it curled into his side with her arms wound round his waist and her face turned into his chest as much as she could with his armor, and he spent it staring down at her. Spirits, she really was small even for a human, but compared to a turian woman... Just another little culture shock that he had gotten used to with her, one of the little details he had forgotten in their time apart.

When they arrived he should have gone off with the rest of the crew but he found himself following Shepard to the medbay. Chakwas was waiting for her there, and if she had any thoughts about her Commander's shadow she didn't voice them, getting straight to work checking the state of her healing body. Garrus settled on the bed next to hers, staying out of the good doctor's way without leaving his other half's side.

One of the base crew called in but the only thing Garrus requested was a new set of dress clothes- he was sick to death of his armor right now (you could run the decontamination cycle as many times as you liked- it didn't mean you ever felt clean) and none of his civilian gear had made it through in decent enough condition to wear to the dinner in a few hours. He wanted to look good for her, especially as there would be so many eyes on them now. It was too late to take anything back, best to just not focus on whether he had done the right thing or not initiating such a private bonded gesture in public. What was done was done, and while he questioned it he couldn't regret it.

Chakwas was still going over Shepard and making annoyed, thoughtful noises about the job the hospitals had done on her when his uniform came and he stripped down there in the medbay to change. Both women had seem him naked before (abet for very different reasons) and turians didn't have the same kinds of hang-ups about nudity that other species tended to- that was what he told himself anyway. Elsewhere in his mind he was very aware that the thought of leaving Shepard just to go down the hall to wash and change left a cold unease in him. Letting her out of his sight again- it had ended in disaster every time, and while he _knew_ there was a world of difference between different planets and different rooms, that feeling in his chest didn't distinguish the two and it rebelled at the idea. Yeah, this... was going to be a problem at some point. There wasn't a thing he could do about it right now so he would have to simply learn the hard way how bad this thing was going to end up.

He heard her make a small appreciative sound when he finished changing. She'd been watching the whole time, he'd noticed that, but she was polite enough to wait to comment while they had company. "I guess they were out of blue?"

"This was the best they could do for short notice. A bit darker and more formal than I would have liked, but respectable."

"Black and silver looks good on you. You should wear it more often."

There were promises in that smile, _damn _she was... he was never leaving her again. He had sworn it to her the last time they were able to really speak to each other before the final run to the beam and the feeling came back with a vengeance at her expression. Garrus settled back in his earlier seat across from her, never breaking contact from her eyes.

"So this is formal? It doesn't look that different."

"I think the human equivalent would be a tuxedo." For want of something to do with them, his hands fidgeted with one of the silver clasps of his outfit. "I'd have preferred something a touch more casual, but beggars can't be picky."

"Choosers."

"Mh?"

"It's 'Beggars can't be choosers.' You got it close though."

He chuckles dryly, a slightly uncomfortable pull on his face before he eased out of it. "I've had a lot of time to practice. So you like the black?"

"Very much."

There was that smile again, and the easy tone came back as he flared out his mandibles in his own smile. He'd missed this, just the two of them talking and casually flirting, it was good. One of her hands reached out across the gap to clasp one of his, and they sat in silence like that for a while as Chakwas probed Shepard's healing scars and knit bones.

They were going to have a lot to talk about, soon. Good, bad, horrible. But for right now... it could wait.

* * *

Ceremonies burned through most of the rest of the day: a commendation from some civilian leaders, an awarding of medals from the major surviving Alliance figures for each member of her squad, a photo op with the queen, things like that. All of this sent them driving them about London a lot, always in carefully protected convoys. Even without the formal protection Shepard's people kept a defensive circle around her- Wrex had gone and told a select few about her condition behind her back, damn the considerate bastard. There were incidents of course... some particularly pushy reporters had to be warded off at the business end of Tali's shotgun, but the end result was that no one unwanted got through to their Commander and they kept her from being overwhelmed no matter how many people were in the streets or the halls.

There were still cameras trained on her constantly though. She were well aware that they were capturing everything she did- including every look, every touch she shared with Garrus... But she couldn't bring herself to move away when it was so comfortable in his side, when he seemed so deeply reluctant to let her go.

There had always been a few extranet rumors about who the great Commander Shepard was sleeping with that guessed right. Hell, in her cabin were copies of bad pornos dating from quite recently to all the way back to the SR-1 days featuring some handsome young Palaveni turian guy fucking some buxom young human woman into the wall (or floor, or back seat, or shower) of a ship (or a tank, or a skycar, or in one memorable case a Presidium elevator. She had sort of wanted to try that one, but it didn't seem possible anymore. Shame.)

It was easy enough to ignore the few rumors at the time. The closest they'd ever gotten to being exposed was the incident in the red skycar on the Presidium, but she had sweet talked their way out of that like a champ despite being down to her underwear with her naked boyfriend in the front seat trying to pretend he wasn't there. Hell of a fond memory, she hadn't thought about it in a while... a lot of those good memories that it had hurt to think about for a time there were coming back, and she turned her face into the slightly rough fabric of his tunic and breathed in his scent as he ran his talons laxly though her hair at their table in the back of the room. Well all of that kindling had been hit with a damn M-451 Firestorm this afternoon anyway and there was nothing that could douse the flames now. So she stayed in contact with him all day: hands, shoulders, side, leaning into his familiar warmth, it was comfortable. They'd just deal with this like any other challenge.

The long day of traveling about ended when they hit evening back at the base the Normandy had landed at, all of her crew who had stayed gathered in the mess hall for an impromptu party. It was the first time all day they were completely free of outsiders- she knew every face, they all knew her, and she felt better than she had in months. Tali, Chakwas, Adams, Joker and Vega were seated around the table with them, drinking and devouring old Earth favorites they hadn't had in years in some cases- Joker was surrounded by food and practically inhaling a pizza covered in all kinds of strange toppings, tears welling in his eyes as he waxed poetic about _real pepperoni oh my god._

In-between eating and drinking there was talking, and the talking filled in a lot of the blanks. Garrus sat silent beside her, running a talon over the back of her hand under the table as the rest of them told her what had happened to the Normandy after it left her behind 11 months ago.

There had been some kind of wild energy rush accompanying the Crucible firing- Joker had managed to keep the ship intact, but they'd been thrown off course from the predetermined meet-up location for the survivors of the fleet, nearly crashing into an exploding reaper . Shrapnel from the damn thing had damaged the Normandy and she was forced into a rough landing on some uncharted planet in the Exodus cluster. The details of the damage were exactly what the Geth shock trooper had told her, but fortunately the planet was habitable and things like oxygen and water weren't concerns. It was still dangerous though- the poisoned soldier had been the first to die not a day after the crash. Chakwas had ordered that every last damn thing was scanned before being eaten after that.

Garrus had been in charge- no one questioned his position as the XO, unofficial or not. There was a fire in his eyes when he held command over meetings, when he gave orders on recon missions and planed at the crash site, when he worked late into the night. He knew the Normandy's systems inside and out and coordinated with EDI on the best workarounds to bring the things they needed back online. Tali's purifiers were first, and there were a frightening two days there as the entire staff of engineering worked in shifts to save their beloved boss. Garrus didn't sleep that whole time until he could hand his friend something she could eat safely- she had been drinking triple-filtered quarian beer for lack of anything else safe, and she was loopy as hell between that and the hunger but she hugged him and all of her staff so tight she almost knocked a few of them down when she was finally out of the danger zone.

Two months in a patrol came across a quarian mining camp that had been abandoned with haste after some kind of attack- the old bodies in envirosuits stood testament to that. _What_ had driven them off became obvious when a soldier peered into a prefab structure the miners had set up and some kind of reptilian monster came bursting out- killing her and another one of the scouts before Vega bullrushed it into the wall with the force of a small tank to snap it's neck. No quarian survivors were left behind but the recon group managed to forage some things of use- tools, supplies for ship repair and what amounted to three months worth of dextro rations for Garrus and Tali.

Everyone kept sane the best they could. Samantha tried to teach a number of the crew Cricket but barely anyone could understand it. Ken voted for Rugby instead, which was much more popular. Liara did better at it than even James- 'Must be my quarter-krogan showing' she would laugh when someone asked her about it. All in all once a few things were fixed it wasn't a bad place to get stranded- great weather, tropical beaches, and while the reptile-things were dangerous if they surprised you... they were also delicious. Joker described barbecues on the beach while the crew cavorted in the surf in loving detail.

"You just liked it because the women were running around in their underwear!" Tali scoffed from the other end of the table.

"No, those were _swimsuits._ Allers had a lot of them in her luggage and she decided to share."

"Is that why they kept falling off?"

Joker's eyes almost glazed over with his grin, cheese in his freshly-trimmed beard. "U-huh." Tali was reaching over to thwack him when Chakwas beat her to it.

"Jeff, you are positively uncouth."

"Come on doc! Just _try_ and tell me you wouldn't have wanted to see Liara's tits if you were me!"

"But I doubt the _Commander_ wants to hear about them."

"True, true. Well the lizardman barbecue was _delicious._ And so was the Commander's liquor stash, thanks again Garrus!"

"My..." Shepard blinked a few times, looking up to the man in question with an eyebrow sharply raised. "You gave them my whisky?" It was meant to be a joke, really, the same good-natured prodding they always shared- he would make a witty comment back in reply and they would laugh it off. But the look of intense discomfort that passed over his face wasn't something she would have anticipated. She didn't think anyone else at the table but Tali knew turian facial expressions well enough to catch the depths of it.

"I couldn't remember if it went bad, and you weren't using it." his reply came at last, quiet as hell. Thankfully at the other end of the table James had started arguing with Joker about something trivial involving favorite liquors, so no one else seemed to hear it besides her. She squeezed his hand tightly under the table in a gesture that said 'we'll talk about this later' and spoke up loudly to redirect the conversation.

"Whatever happened to Allers anyway? The Geth couldn't explain it to me, she just... didn't come back?"

"She went Xena on us." That was Joker again- grinning like a loon as he stuffed another deviled egg in his mouth. All he got in response was blank silence from the rest of the table, and disbelief filled his face. "You've never heard of... seriously guys? It's a classic!"

"Jeff, just explain."

"Xena was this serial that aired in the-"

"_Joker-"_

Alright, alright, geez. Apparently she liked roughing it so much that she decided to stay behind on the planet with some supplies and I'm imagining a large amount of black leather. Or a small amount, just as good."

"She stole your old sinkless pistol." Garrus mentioned next to her. Shepard shot bolt upright and gawked at him.

"My Master Class Spectre issue-"

"Mhmn. Some other things too, like the dress from Kasumi-"

"Good riddance."

"- your model of the Destiny Ascension and various medical and personal supplies."

"I loved that pistol. It was a replacement for my original one. I killed Benezia with that pistol."

"Trust me Shepard, I know how you are about your guns." There was a smile easing back into his eyes, his flanging toned warmly. She grinned back, knowing that he was the same way- his original Master Class Spectre issue sniper rifle she'd bought him had been stolen in some incident by the Blood Pack when he was on Omega and he'd still been pissed about it when he told her the story ages later.

They all talked for a while longer- Vega recounted trying to teach members of the crew to wrestle, Shepard shared some stories about Wrex and most of the people at the table cleared out over the next hour until they were back to the core trio of Shepard, Garrus and Tali. It felt so damn good to sit with the two of them again and she told them so, holding both their hands with an easy smile. She would have been happy to stay there like that longer but forces beyond her control were conspiring to get her out of her seat.

"Scuse me." she murmured, and one last squeeze for the both of them before getting up. Garrus started to follow after her so she stopped and touched his shoulder. "You should probably stay here. I've just got to piss, I'll be right back love." One touch of her lips to his scarred cheek later she turned back around and darted off.

* * *

When she got out of the stall however, Tali was standing there by the sink with her arms crossed roughly over her chest, and before the inane part of Shepard's brain could even wonder why she was there or how quarians even managed to- the stiff worry in the other woman's voice snapped her out of it. "Something's wrong with Garrus."

"You caught that look over the whiskey too, then." The sputtering of the sink echoed loudly in the empty bathroom. "Do you know what that was about?"

"No, but he's been sending me to keep an eye on you every time you go to the bathroom, like he expects you to get kidnapped from your stall. I could excuse it somehow while we were still out in public, but now with only people from the Normandy around he's still, _Keelah_..." Small hands touched the dome of her mask, Shepard could practically hear the grit of her teeth in her tone. "It was bad when we didn't know what had happened to you, but I didn't expect anything different. But we're home now, you're safe, he shouldn't still be like this..."

Though the violet haze of the hood she could see the glow of Tali's eyes pulled heavily in unease, and Shepard's voice in reply was small. "How bad was he."

"Bad. Chakwas and I were worried sick about him. Garrus put on his armor for the crew but when he was just with me or by himself he was... He slept alone in your cabin the whole time when we didn't find him collapsed over the console he'd been working on, worked himself to the bone- the zeal was almost... it was frightening. When we didn't yell at him about it he ate so little that we barely had to touch the emergency supplies the geth had on-board for quarian passengers on the way back. I never saw him falter in front of the crew- you were gone and everyone was just looking at him for guidance and he couldn't bear failing you, but in private if he couldn't keep busy he was so worried, so tired... The two of you are my best friends Shepard, I couldn't stand seeing him like that then and I can't stand seeing it now. You need to talk to him."

Leaning heavily on the sink block, Shepard dried her hands on her pants. "I'm not exactly in one piece myself, I don't know how much help I'll be for him on that front."

"Then just... heed what I said. He'll try to act alright but he's not, and he's scared to death of letting you out of his sight."

"Sounds like I should probably get back then." But first- she embraced the other woman tightly. "Thanks. For telling me, for scaring off reporters for me all day, for looking out for him. I don't know what I'd have done if the Normandy came back without you Tali."

"And I don't know what I would have done if you weren't there waiting for us when we came back, so we're even."


	8. Rain on London

Garrus didn't pace, or sweat, or stare in the direction Shepard had left in- he only glanced at it anxiously from time to time and stared at his omnitool instead. On the screen was a half-composed message to his family- Counselor Sparatus had offered to carry it back personally (the extranet being badly damaged by the Reapers' wiping out every satellite they could find, getting messages off-planet on your own was nearly impossible.) Even when there wasn't exactly a Council any more with the Citadel half-trashed and being towed back to the Serpent Nebula for repairs, it was still an offer that shouldn't be dismissed lightly. The problem was writing the damn thing.

He deleted it for what must have been the tenth time, locking his jaw- what the hell could he say? "Sol, Dad, I'm alive, sorry I didn't tell you about my bondmate"? How many years had he not told his family about Shepard? Not told Sol, not told his mother, not told his father even when they had been on better terms? Instead he had waited and they'd be finding out through an extranet feed as reporters made it back to turian space. He kept typing between glances across the room but nothing would come out so he gritted his teeth and deleted it again and where the _hell_ was Shepard she should have been back by now, she never took this long something was-

"Garrus?"

"Shepard." The orange light disappeared as he powered down his omnitool and looked over to her- something had changed in the last few minutes in the lines of her face. It had only been minutes, damn. "Is something...?"

In answer she climbed back into her seat next to him, scooted it over another inch or so till it touched his and burrowed so deep into his side her grip on him almost hurt. His brow plates shot up but nothing would come out of his mouth and he swallowed his words, simply putting an arm around her. Whatever it was she was uncomfortable talking about. It was still early, they had plenty of time to sort out the small things. _Spirits_, they finally had _time_... Her forehead was against his chest so he touched his to the top of her head instead and breathed in her scent.

He'd been doing that a lot, part of him noticed as the last of his stress pooled away in the softness of her hair. Back on the Normandy the smell of her had slowly faded out of their room to the point where he had to imagine it, and scent being what it was to turian couples, to have that back again...

"We need to leave." Muffled by his shirt her voice was quiet, stable but insistent.

Garrus pulled back slightly, mandibles flared out and down in concern. "Is something wrong?"

Shepard shook her head, the bright wave of her hair contrasting sharply and beautifully against the dark fabric of his tunic. Then she took his hands and curled her fingers tightly around them, bringing them between their bodies and her eyes were on him and... Spirits, they were dazzling.

"Part of me still thinks this isn't real, that I'm just dreaming again and when I wake up you won't be there. I need something real, Garrus, something I can't make up. I need you inside of me, now."

The hot rush that sped through his skin at that was almost enough to undo him right then and there. But he had too much self control for that, he wasn't a teenage cadet anymore and he kept it in his plates. Even kept his voice level, though his subharmonics betrayed him. "Do you have a plan?"

"Not really. You're the tactician here, I just charge in with an assault rifle and nova people's asses."

An entirely different kind of warmth spread through him as she quoted the old line she loved to tease him with. He hadn't heard it since they were on top of the Presidium together. Damn. He tightened his hands lightly around hers and leaned into her forehead with a smile.

"I am. And I have an idea."

* * *

If anyone noticed the two of them slip out of the mess they knew better than to say anything. When they reached the garage Shepard started breaking her way into one of the general use base vehicles with her rudimentary hacking skills until Garrus stopped her with a light touch to her arm and a small grin, raising his omnitool. But instead of using it to hack the lock he spoke into it. "I need a chaffer. Can you manage?"

"No problem." came a familiar voice over the com. Shepard gave her man an amused look as he thanked the other end of the line and powered his tool back down.

"Why Mr. Vakarian," she chuckled, resting her back against the side of the car in a way he'd be sure to appreciate, "It's almost as if you don't want me driving."

That earned her a laugh and he took her up into his arms and pulled her close- she could feel as well as hear the rumble of amusement and want mixed in his voice. "True, but not for the reason you think... I want you paying attention to _me_."

Damn he knew how to turn her on, between the low rumbling tone of his voice, the grip looped around her back with one arm around her waist and the other up the line of her spine, brushing her hip just so with his talons... she shivered in a way that had nothing to do with the cool air. They were still kissing when the car pulled up and Cortez popped the top with a magnanimous bow. "Your chariot awaits. Where to?"

"Home." Garrus said simply as they got in the back, eyes not leaving hers and damn the things that did to her... even before she'd come to terms with her attraction to him she had always loved his eyes. Wherever they were going she didn't really care, her attention fully on her lover and his mouth and his hands.

There was only one thing that could distract her from Garrus right now and she spotted it rising out of the rain- when had it started raining anyway? All of a sudden she could hear the clatter of it on the roof and see the hazy dreamy sheets it painted over the slightly fogged windows. What had she been... ah yes. Rising out of the rain just off the main docks where they had left it that afternoon was her beloved Normandy. A thought struck her and the white flash of her teeth showed as she grinned. "Steve, stop the car."

Garrus blinked at her curiously, flitting one mandible and tilting his head. Shepard just gave him a broad smile and took both his hands. "When's the last time we got rained on, love."

"Has to have been Virmire." His curiosity was piqued and she knew she had him. One of her hands left his to open the door- hell it was so much louder like that, it was pouring out and they had a good two hundred yards to the airlock.

"Run with me?"

"You say it as if I could possibly deny you anything right now." came his soft reply. Fuck his eyes were so blue.

"Don't worry" Steve said from somewhere that seemed miles away, "I know not to wait up."

Shepard dragged her eyes away from Garrus' to flash her friend a weak grin, and she backed out of the car pulling her man with her. They both yelped in different registrars at the sudden blast of cold and they stood there getting drenched as their driver saluted them with a grin and drove off.

For a few seconds there the two of them just stared at each other. Garrus arched his browplates, water running in rivets down the little tips at the end of his mandibles. "You do know it's freezing out here." He tried but couldn't hide the amusement in his tone.

"Well then try to keep up and get inside!" With a laugh she was off- he just managed to keep up and not lose hold of her hand, clasping it fiercely as they raced across the dock, chasing each other through the downpour. She couldn't stop a rise of giddy laughter that broke from her and whenever she looked back he had a similar wild grin on his face. There was nothing in the world but the two of them. It was such a heady, floating feeling that even though she knew the code for the airlock she forgot it and he had to help her key it in.

_This is a terrible idea, they're going to look for us tomorrow and I won't want to come out._

They were already kissing fiercely by the time the decontamination cycle finished to let them into the Normandy, the jacket of her dress uniform and his boots discarded carelessly in the airlock.

_We're docked, there's going to be people around the ship doing repairs, we're going to..._

A trail of sopping clothes followed them all the way to the elevator- he was kissing her throat with light nips, never teeth, just the hard cartilage of his mouth and flicks of his tongue. It was desperate and needy- every touch saying _you're really here _and _I missed you _and _I needed you_ and he was pressing her against the door of the elevator as it ticked slowly up the levels of the ship and she could feel the heat of his skin on hers, feel a familiar hot pressure hard against her stomach.

_There's a damn skylight over the bed, someone will have a camera and the whole galaxy is going to find out that Commander Shepard doesn't shave her legs, and you might just be doing this so you don't have to talk to him about that other thing-_

By the time they hit the top level and tumbled out onto the floor they were three socks and a pair of panties shy of naked. She landed with an 'oomph' on his chest and grinned down at the man on his back underneath her, easing off him carefully and offering a hand up, which he took. His gaze made her tremble in all the right ways and she stopped worrying. Walking backwards ahead of him she pulled him through the threshold into the cool blue glow of the darkened bedroom with her. The doors shut automatically behind him, cutting them off from the rest of the world.

* * *

"... So that's how that works." came a voice from somewhere along the roof over the skylight some time later.

Kasumi chuckled to herself and casually hacked another roaming camera drone to head it off in another direction. Her cloak had a nice little field built in that kept her dry and projected the illusion of the rain travelling normally where she was, so she was comfortable and invisible in her little seat on the roof of the Normandy. As the evening deepened the rain lessened to a soft pattering outside the ship, not that the couple below would have noticed.

She stayed up there a few hours hacking anything with video equipment that floated too close, occasionally leaning over to catch a glimpse of the two of them for herself. Not bad, not bad at all. "Well... damn, I might have to take you up on that bar idea Shep. I wonder if turians like Japanese girls?"


	9. Playing at normalcy the best we can

The sound of the rain was soothing mostly. Rarely there was thunder- it was a particularly loud burst that woke him. Garrus lifted his head from his chest, his fringe just scraping the bed as he blinked up blearily and found himself looking out into the deep gray night through the skylight.

Damn, he'd ended up on his back. Never a comfortable position for a turian in a bed that wasn't built for someone with a carapace, did terrible things to their waists. Knowing his muscles would be aching when he was more awake he rolled over onto his side with a chuckle to joke with Shepard about how they never seem to warn you about these kinds of side effects to interspecies sex.

Only she wasn't there. He was alone in their bed.

Garrus shot bolt upright onto his knees with little of the fluidity he was capable of. Shepard, she was suppose to- they were back, she'd been right next to- but the room was just as disheveled as it had been for months and there was no sign she had been there since that last desperate night. He would have sworn he could catch her scent in the air. The pattering of the rain continued around him, streaking down the glass lit in the dark dreaming tones of night.

Dreaming. He choked on something in his throat and curled a hand around it- he'd been dreaming again, and the sweet thoughts had followed him into waking like they has so many times before. Another trick of his mind. You think he would be used to it, it had happened so many times...

A sound tore from somewhere deep in his chest, agonized and raw and he drove a fist into the bulkhead behind their bed. The metal didn't so much as flinch, it never did, but it was cool under his forehead as he slumped slightly against it, breathing in harshly with locked mandibles. Even as painfully aware as he was of what had happened, the heady smell of her lingered in his nostrils to make it all that much crueler.

"Garrus what the fuck?!" someone shouted behind him- he jerked slightly on his knees and his head snapped around towards the steps. Shepard was standing naked save a towel draped over her shoulders in the doorway to the bathroom. Framed in the harsh white light he could see her clearly: dripping hair, wide eyes, new scars and bruises that hadn't been there before London. Newest of all were the faint imprints of three-fingered hands ringing her hips from when he'd gotten overzealous last night.

Last night. He hadn't dreamt it, this was real, and he sank down against his heels in relief. Next to him the mattress compressed and small soft hands touched his back. Her face was confused, alarmed, but it was still a relief to see her. Garrus unclenched his hands and swallowed the stress in his voice when he finally was able to speak again- she'd been through enough, no need to worry her- but his mandibles were still hiked up higher than usual and his undertones wouldn't keep still. "It's nothing, I'm-"

"So help me god if you say you're fine I'm punching you. Don't treat me like an idiot Garrus, you are _not _ok."

"Alright, alright..." He couldn't help a grimace at that, and he shifted around to sit on the bed facing her, idly rubbing his knuckles as his eyes shifted back up to the still-darkened sky overhead in thought. "What time is it?"

"4:30 in the morning." Shepard sat down heavily on her folded legs, taking over kneading his sore knuckles for him with all her small nimble fingers. "Fuck, Garrus, I just got up for a shower so I wouldn't have the UTI from hell in the morning, we didn't exactly use a condom. You'd only been out for twenty minutes, I thought you'd sleep longer."

Oh. That explained why the rain sounded quieter now, he must have mistaken the shower as part of the storm. The sensation of her hands tightening over his drew his attention back and he realized at length that she'd been speaking.

"-tening to me? We need to talk about this damn it!"

"I'm sorry, Shepard, I was just..." he shook his head, sighing and leaning forward to settle his forehead against hers. She was trembling just slightly, it was unsettling. "Alright, I'm not doing as well as I'd have hoped right now. Nowhere near as well. Downright badly. It's better when you're here."

"Tali told me what you asked her to do, back at the party. She's worried sick about you and so am I." The pliant pad of her thumb sought out all the sensitive areas of his hand, soothing rather than arousing, as her voice went softer. "I thought I could distract you... fuck it, distract myself too from whatever this is with sex but it didn't work. Don't shut me out like you did after Omega, do you hear me?" The way she looked at him... convincing him to look away from her eyes right then would be hard.

All of the same strength that was in her gaze as she stared down reapers was focused on him now, a look that would make you follow her to hell and back again. He'd seen it turned on himself before- it was the same one that had bored down through his scope refusing to let him kill the man who'd betrayed him. She'd been right then, like she was usually right...

But he had never seen it quake so badly before. If she had undertones they'd be saying _if you shut me out again it'll kill me._ Shepard tried so hard to be stable but there was something inside her just as broken as him now. Heh, that's what love does indeed. The smile that touched his face was weak but it was there. "Trust me... that's not going to happen again. Not after everything we've been through. It's just... hard to explain."

"Do you think I'm going to disappear on you again, is that it?"

"I know you're not Shepard, I know it but..." he shook his head, rubbing her skin incidentally with the gesture. "Every time you leave, the world goes to hell. I know the difference between leaving the room and... _damn it_, if I can't see you I can't be sure you're not gone again and I turn into this. It's... not healthy but no matter how much logic I throw at it blind panic wins over. If we were on a battlefield I'd be an inexcusable liability."

"Are we at war right now, Garrus? You think I care about that?"

"I know you too damn well to think you're retiring anytime soon. You're only 33 and the military is in your bones."

That took her aback and she cursed internally- of course he was right, shit. Her grip on him tightened fractionally but it was just enough for him to notice and he sighed heavily. "The reapers are gone, sure, but we've all proven perfectly capable of killing each other on our own. The Alliance is going to want you back and you'll want to go. I don't want to be an anchor that holds you back from what you want to do and I don't want you to resent me for it"

"I could never-"

"Remember what I said about platitudes Shepard? Sure you wouldn't say anything, but we'd both know it was there."

Her fingers continued to knead his hands and neither of them spoke for some time. Garrus tugged on her lightly to pull her back down onto the bed- he lay down on his side and she curled up against him, face in the shoulder of his cowl with his arms around her. Finally, she spoke again.

"I'll take a few years off, we'll figure this out. Like you said I'm young- I'll be just as good to the Alliance at 37 as I am now. And if things don't work out and you can't fight beside me-" it was impossible to think about, he had been there for almost five years now, how could she fight without him on her six? "-then you'll at least come on the ship with me. What's the brass going to do, tell me you're not allowed on? They can't tell me anything right now, I just saved the fucking Galaxy. _We _saved the fucking Galaxy."

"Shepard and Vakarian." he smiled softly down at her, she felt the rumble of assent in his chest.

"Storming the Alliance, whether they like it or not. Get some sleep Garrus... I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

If he heard the small hitch in her voice when she said that he didn't comment, just smoothed a hand through her damp hair.

"I love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

The next two days were glorious. They didn't leave the cabin- everything they could possibly need was already stored in there save food, and EDI brought them room service without commentary. They lounged in bed, passed old stories back and forth and made love lazily. The only time omnitools were allowed was to fire up something from the Bad Extranet Porn Of Us collection that they hadn't been able to laugh at in... forever. Garrus had gotten some basic information on what had been happening in the Galaxy at large since the Reaper War ended, but it had come from the geth and there was only so much they could tell you. 'The council is still mostly full of dicks', for example, didn't transmit well in geth-ese. And a Geth couldn't tell him about things like the breakfast with Sparatus, where the Counselor tried his best not to look scandalized by the volume of food Wrex could and would put in his face in forty five seconds. (Wrex loved scrapple. Sparatus thought it sounded like an abomination on the face of the Earth, and this only convinced Wrex to ear more of it more obnoxiously. It had been a hell of a show.)

All incoming communications of lesser importance that the imminent return of the Reapers was being blocked by EDI at Shepard's request- their friends would know where they were, and the brass... eh, they could wait. They'd gone eleven months apart and the revival of the companionship was as good as the sex, which was pretty damn good. Privacy let them talk for hours curled up naked together in the tangled sheets of her oversized bed, her fingers tracing the hard angles of his face and the texture of his scars while his talons brushed through her hair. Despite the pre-dawn discussion about Needing To Talk About Important Things, that... pretty much went to the wayside. Avoidance was a powerful beast, especially when they barely bothered to get dressed and he always followed her into the shower.

Fuck, sleep, shower, laugh, play at mock-battles with her model ships in their underwear, fuck some more, lean into each other and just breathe and enjoy the company. It was so good for two days, it was so damn good...

Unfortunately, there was still the matter of what the fuck happened to the Commander's whisky to rear its ugly head. She'd been straddling his lap, laughing and tracing the lines of his tattoos on his mandibles when she'd reached into the compartment behind her desk where she kept the good booze only to find it empty. Momentary confusion made her blink a few times, and when she turned back around to the face cupped in her palm she saw it painted with the same look of intense discomfort from before and she suddenly remembered the conversation.

"Garrus..."

There was that contorted expression again, but when she gave him a look and squared her hands on his shoulders he stopped stalling. "I had to get it out of the room, alright? I only got drunk twice but the second time I almost poured myself a glass of it."

Neither of them said the word _anaphylaxis_ but it hung there like a specter in the air- she could remember vividly the evening where they'd been trying each others' chiralities liquor and after knocking back a few kinds of turian and quarian beer with her cast-iron stomach she'd pulled out the good Kentucky stuff for him. Neither of them had ever had significant problems with allergies before, it should have been fine. They'd ended the evening in the medbay with Mordin and Chakwas hovering over him and Shepard a nervous wreck sitting on the floor. It wasn't the closest he'd been to death by a long shot, but it was close enough to scare her. If he'd known that and almost... Shepard went pale, horror in her eyes

The meaning of that look didn't escape his understanding and he was talking in a rush, seemingly not noticing the way her hands had tightened so hard on his shoulders she was indenting his plates. "Spirits Shepard not intentionally- even if you were actually gone I would never have done that to you. I know it's the last thing you would have wanted and you'd have broken the bar up there with my face when I got up there."

With a flare of mandibles he tried to give her a smile to ease the tension, but it was weak. Taking her face in his talons and touching their foreheads together worked better, his voice dropping to something more tender. " I had just run out of the bottle I'd brought and reached for the next thing I saw. As soon as I realized that I got it out of the room, gave it to the crew. ...Shepard, talk to me. Please."

"Garrus." came out with a sound that choked over the word- there was a faint dampness against his skin where she'd buried her face but he knew better that to say anything about it and she was grateful for that. He stayed quiet, brushing a hand down her back and holding her until it stopped.

* * *

The next morning with the illusion of peace broken, they figured it was time to face the world again. EDI'd had their clothes cleaned and pressed and ready for them in a neat pile by the door, along with a set of datapads containing all the calls that they'd missed during their little vacation from reality. Shepard flicked hers on and started to go through the call logs for the last two days.

-"Commander, this is Steve, just wanted to let you know how happy I am to be able to help you guys. See you in the morning."

-"Shepard, it's Hackett. We need a debrief from you and the primary members of your crew at Alliance HQ back in London, we'll be sending shuttles out for you at 0900 hours, so be ready."

-"Where are you Shepard? The meeting started twenty minutes ago. I'll try and stall, just hurry up and get here as soon as you can. Hackett out."

-"Hello Shepard, this is Liara, sorry about running off but I had business to attend to... I'd love to catch up whenever you get the chance, call me back."

-"I know you must have a good excuse but we really could have used your input back there, your word goes a long way. Hackett out."

-"Lola, think you and Scars'll be rejoining us anytime soon? The Alliance brass and the turian Councilor are starting to twitch a little."

-"Shepard, it's Tali... I know you and Garrus need some time, but you really need to come back soon, it's a mess out here. I'll be calling him too in case something's wrong with your 'tool..."

-"This is the turian Counselor, Commander. I need to speak to Garrus Vakarian on behalf of the Primarch of Palaven as soon as possible but he isn't answering my calls and no one seems to know where he is. If _you're_ aware of his location I would greatly appreciate hearing it from you."

-"You sly bitch, everyone's going crazy looking for you! It's fucking hilarious! Have fun screwing Garrus' brains out wherever the hell you're hiding. Jack out."

-"Shepard, Hackett. The Normandy's AI won't let me through to you, you need to tell it to stop blocking my calls. This is important Shepard, get back to me."

-"Shep, you should see the mess you're making! Ooh and I tried the bar idea but so far no one's biting, I mostly end up sitting by myself trying to decide how to tell if a quarian man is handsome or not through the suit, it's a fun little game. The women make the most beautiful fabric for their hoods, I need to look into getting some for my apartment."

-"This is your pilot speaking, I _know _you two are up there because EDI won't let me access the top floor of my ship. Can you two finish up already and get back out here? The turians are getting all pissy about why they can't debrief their favorite war hero and far be it from me to explain why they can't find him. Really I mean I get it, lovey dovey reunion and all, but they won't stop bugging us until you rejoin the living. If you're still in there too much longer I'm tattling."

-"Damn it Shepard, do I have to order you? We need to do these debriefs as soon as possible for sake of accuracy and you've got the executive officer holed up in your cabin?! What kind of-"

There were about a dozen more from various people, mostly Hackett losing his cool august demeanor and trying not to shout at her. The deeper she got in the list the redder her face turned- hell of job she was doing as Savior of the Galaxy so far. A glance over at Garrus told her he had gotten much the same kind of messages.

"So time to put some pants on and rejoin society?" she ventured weakly.

"I'm afraid so. If we don't Councilor Sparatus might just skin me."

"And Admiral Hackett me. Shower first, but _no sex- _we need to talk about what the fuck we're going to do instead of just screwing, then we go face the Galaxy."

"Nothing we haven't done before." He said it with a roguish smile and a confidence so much like his old self that it warmed her heart, she'd really been worried about him the last few days.

"Mmmhmn, long as you're there next to me Vakarian."'

His face nuzzled slightly into the crook of her neck, warm breath tickling her skin and she laughed a little despite herself. "Not a problem Shepard." Damn she loved the sound of his voice. It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was him. "I'll be with you as long as you'll have me."

With a grin she patted his shoulder and started for the bathroom. "Then strap in for a bumpy ride soldier, because you know how I drive." Laughter rumbled from his chest and as she looked over him she thought, _well... maybe just another twenty minutes. Then we'll get back to reality. Twenty minutes won't hurt._

Shepard pulled him in the door with her, locking her mouth over his- his hands came up to clasp round her shoulders as it swished shut behind them again.

* * *

The week that followed was awful, if he was being honest. They were chewed out by their superiors on multiple occasions and neither of them could fight back- the officers were right after all, it had been violently irresponsible of them to disappear without warning like that. And Shepard _hated _not being able to fight back. She sat stiffly at his side through every debriefing, including his- when one of the Councilor's aides inferred this was a turian matter and she should wait outside she gave the woman one of her "I'm-Commander-fucking-Shepard" looks as she growled something about threatening to call the Primarch of Palaven to see if _he _had a problem with her sitting in on it. Never mind the fact that interplanetary communication was all but at a standstill, the determination on her face said she'd damn well find a way to do it. They stopped questioning her presence after that.

With the interrogation over they moved to the next, and the next, and the next... It was draining. Afterwards there still weren't any breaks- anywhere they tried to go they were hounded, which made Shepard anxious, which went badly with her pent up anger from being chastised like a child instead of being treated like the damn galactic war hero she was... The end result was the first person who made what could be interpreted as a racist remark against their being together getting headbutted so hard she cracked some of the human's teeth. They got a few more inches of breathing space after that.

It was... impressive, honestly. He made a joke later about appreciating her defending his virtue and she laughed, a welcomed sound. If he was being a good turian he should have been embarrassed by his mate's hovering like he was made of glass- especially in front of his superiors. Spirits the look on Sparatus' face when he stayed silent as she refused to budge from his side... The man respected the two of them far too much to say anything, but it was there. Not too many years ago Garrus would have reacted the exact same damn way.

Turians understood defending your mate, they understood unity, they understood loyalty- but they were _reasonable_ about it. There hadn't even been the illusion of danger in that office, and a war hero shouldn't need his partner hovering by his side for something as simple as a debriefing.

... If General Oraka had survived all this mess, he was going to have to find him and apologize. He understood now, far more than he would have ever wanted to.

For the next two months they pretty much kept to the base, away from the public and its crowds and its endless questions. The Alliance had given them individual housing deeper in the base for privacy, it helped. Most of the Normandy's crew had moved on by now, off to their families and home colonies... or what was left of them in many cases. Dr. Chakwas, James, Joker, Tali and Cortez had chosen to stay at the base or in London- in part for their own reasons and in part to keep an eye on their Commander. In Tali's case Shepard had tried to talk her into going back to Rannoch- she had fought so hard, waited so long, she should go home to build her house. Tali scoffed at the idea just like he'd known she would, saying that Rannoch was on the opposite end of the galaxy and until the Primary relays were back online the trip would take years. She'd be staying put for now, thank you very much. Who else would keep an eye on the two of them?

Despite her protests he knew Shepard was relieved. She was still anxious, wound too tight far too much of the time and Tali knew it, her loyalty to her went as deep as his. He appreciated it more than he could express. Having the little quarian around snarling off reporters and watching Shepard's back when he wasn't there was something he'd come to rely on, like he'd come to rely on a lot of things recently. The only people he _should _be leaning on this heavily was family... but he had never finished a message in time to send back with the turian delegation when they left on the long trek back to Palaven.

... He was an awful brother, and a worse son.

"Garrus?"

The sound of her voice pulled him out of his reverie- Shepard was standing in the doorway in her sweats fresh back from sparring with James. ("I needed to punch something" she'd said with a grin the first time he asked weeks ago, "and he just takes it so damn well.") Closing the door behind her she wiped her face with a towel and peered back at where he was in their small kitchen. Something in her face was different, something had lit up behind her eyes. He managed an amicable mandible flick for her and set aside the datapad he'd been staring at for the last ten minutes without absorbing anything written on it. He'd.. gotten better at leaving her alone on-base, but it had the tendency to make him nervous and morose. He tried not to let her see it. "You're unusually cheerful."

There was that smile beaming at him again, warming his bones like Trebia's light. She tossed her towel aside and pulled out a chair next to him. "I figured out an idea."

"Oh? About what?"

"Garrus, how do you like the sound of a vacation? Somewhere the press doesn't exist and we'll be left the fuck alone for as long as we want?"

"I'm not entirely sure I want to hide out on an abandoned mine asteroid, even with you."

It made her laugh, which made him smile. One of her small soft hands took one of his and she met his eyes with that grin still in place. "I have a standing invitation to Tuchanka remember? And it's about time I go see that niece and nephew of mine. We can get there in a few weeks and credits aren't a problem. Even if we were broke, I doubt a pilot is ever going to want to charge me to fly again. What do you think?"

"Tali's going to follow us, you know."

"She's invited if she wants. She'll have her own place to stay of course..." and with that her nimble fingers were tracing the sensitive skin of his hand, mischievousness flickering in her eyes. The sensual touch stopped quickly however and she clasped his hand in both of hers, seriousness taking over her tone again. "Think about it, just the four of us again with no monsters looming over our heads, just time and a job to do. I... can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be, if you're there with me."

For a long few moments he just looked at her, running his thumb gently over the back of her hand before shaking his head with a faint amused tone in his subvocals. "You ask as if I could do anything else."

"Just trying to be polite." she answered back. "... so when can we go?"

"Whenever you want. But let's give warning this time."

"Whatever you want big guy. And... thanks."

"You don't need to thank me for anything, Shepard. I already know."

A softer smile settled on her face and she scooted her chair over to lean into his side. If there was one thing he knew, it was that when she was there he had peace. That was all that really mattered.


End file.
